I wish I could say I slept well. The night had been utterly restless for me. After what I did to Molly, or what we did together, or whatever I decided to think of it in the moment, I didn’t dare touch her in my sleep. From when I had woken up, around 6:30 or so, until whenever she woke up, I had just been staring at the ceiling, almost dizzy with the number of possibilities swirling in my head.
Even the possibility of her knowing was just a branching path. Did she hate it? Did she like it? Did she want more? I couldn’t say for sure I knew that she knew, but some part of me just… knew.
When Molly first began to stir, rustling around more than she usually did in her sleep, I could do nothing but freeze. I lost the ability to speak, breathe, or even think.
“You awake?” she asked in a groggy voice.
She couldn’t see my eyes. I turned slightly to meet her, feigning tired eyes.
“Am now.” I mumbled.
“Nah, don’t be. I should have been out of bed an hour ago.” I replied. Too truthful, but I wasn’t going to let her know why. “Besides, you asked if you could wake me up.”
I got out of bed and stretched, reaching for the door to my closet to pull out a shirt. “So… you okay?” I asked her gingerly, figuring it was now or never. “Was it awkward or anything?”
Molly only smiled sleepily. “Don’t worry about it.” she answered simply. “You’re fine. The bed wasn’t as small as I expected.”
I looked her eyes up and down. Nothing hidden. She didn’t know. It was in her sleep. Was it possible?
“I slept well.” she continued, getting up and stretching herself. “Really well, actually.” She patted the bed next to her. “I should get one of these. It was super comfy, and I bet it’s even comfier when you get the whole thing.”
“I offered to sleep on the floor,” I half-smiled, feeling any tension I had invented melting away.
“Yeah? Well…” Molly stuttered over her wording, trying to come up with a comeback, and eventually rolled her eyes. “Don’t.”
“The ultimate comeback.”
“I don’t want you to sacrifice your well-being for me. It makes me feel bad.”
I pulled my shirt over my head. “Well, we can’t have that. Are you at least happy now?”
She smiled. “Weirdly happy. Like I could take on the world or something.”
“Tough, it’s Saturday.” I gestured out the window for some reason, as if that would prove what day it was.
“I have to go to school anyway today.” she clarified. “I have to meet a professor.”
“Oh.” I simply replied. “When?”
She shrugged. “Sometime. What time is it?”
I looked at my wrist. No watch. I walked over to my desk, found my watch, and put it on. “10:37.”
She put her head into the pillow and groaned. “I probably should take the next bus.” her muffled voice came from the pillow.
“Do you want me to make you breakfast?” I asked. I could feel my face begin to flush. Now that Molly and I were closer, I felt some weird obligation to take care of her. I felt like her happiness rode on my shoulders.
She chuckled. “I’ll be okay.” she said quietly, getting up and stretching. Shrugging myself, and fully dressed, I left the room, aiming for the stairs.
On my way out of the room, I hesitated and turned towards Molly’s room. Gingerly, I knocked on her door.
“Yeah.” came the annoyed voice of Chris. I couldn’t help but chuckle. There were only two times Chris’ voice lost its flamboyant nature – hopping mad, or hungover.
“You alright?” I asked as casually as I could.
The door swung open in response. Chris, naked except for his briefs, met my eyes. He had to squint to even look at me. “Hey.” he said as nonchalantly as he could, even though I could hear pain in his voice. “How bad was I last night?”
“You were fine, dude.” I brushed him off.
“As always, your lying skills are impressive.” he mumbled as he slunk up the stairs. “If I didn’t know you better…”
“I’d probably be telling you to get the fuck out of my house.” I threw up the stairs.
“Oh, so it’s your house now?” Molly asked, coming out of my room, a little smile on her face.
“I mean… like… yeah, y’know.” I tried to add on to the joke, but I had nothing. I’m sure Molly was impressed by my stammering and stuttering though. The two of us made our way up to the top of the stairs where we saw Chris, sitting down at the kitchen table with his forehead trying to fuse itself with the table.
“Morning, Chris.” Molly said sweetly. The first time she saw him like this she was all worried and concerned for him, but after seeing him this many times she just got used to it. “Will you be okay?”
“As long as no one bangs anything on this table, I’ll be fine.” he responded slowly. “Just give it around two, maybe three months.”
She met his remark with a patient smile and bounced over to the counter, retrieving her cereal. Bounced. I had to admit, I had never seen Molly so elated before. She was positively glowing. She had a nigh unerasable smile across her face as she poured her bowl of cereal and sat down at the table.
Chris slowly lifted his head so his eyes could meet hers. “I wish I knew what the hell you do to be so happy all the time.” he slowly said.
Molly chuckled lightly. “I’m just feeling really good today.” she simply answered. “Like I could take on the world or something.”
“Real original.” I smirked, remembering her saying that earlier.
“Did you come up here to eat, or to give me snappy comebacks?” Molly shot back with a lowered eyebrow.
“Little bit of column A, little bit of column B.” I retorted as I went into the fridge and retrieved some jam. I got some bread, toasted it, and sat down for a bit of innocent chatter from Molly, as well as words from beyond the grave from Chris. This lasted for a little while until Molly’s phone went off and she looked at it nonchalantly.
Her eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. “Oh my god,” she quickly mumbled as she jumped up and dumped her empty bowl into the sink.
“Problem?” I asked.
“I have four minutes to get the bus. I scheduled the meeting earlier than I thought.” She barely managed to finish her sentence before disappearing downstairs. My gaze went from her to the dead eyes of Chris.
“If I had her energy, I’d be President by now.” he mumbled. “Tell her I’m sorry for taking her room last night.”
She re-emerged up the stairs in a flash. “I’m sorry I took your room la-” Chris began.
“Don’t worry about it!” Molly replied distractedly, one foot out the door. Even in a hurry, she was the cutest thing ever. There was something about seeing such a serious look of concentration on her cute little face that somehow made it all the cuter. The only shame about it was that I barely got to enjoy it before she left.
“So what’s your plan for the day?” I asked Chris.
Chris sighed as he began putting on a set of clothes, which I guess he brought upstairs with him. “Need to get to my old place. Hopefully today’s the last day I have to go back there, then everything’s settled.”
“Hell of a time to get hungover.”
“You’re telling me, sweetie.” he angrily mumbled to himself, now fully clothed, rubbing his eyes with his hands. “I’m such an idiot. Anyway, once Jerome is done getting ready, he’s my ride.”
“Molly and I have been up here for half an hour.” I added slowly.
“Welcome to Jerome.” Chris replied annoyedly. “He’s still getting r-” His ears almost visibly perked up as he heard some shuffling from the top floor. He put his finger to his lips, signalling that the conversation was over.
Jerome came thundering down the stairs with no grace, as per his usual style. “Ready to go?” he asked Chris.
“All set, babe.” Chris replied a little too casually. He quickly got up and put his shoes on, and without another word, the two were gone.
Everyone sure was ready to leave the house in a hurry today, I thought to myself. I shrugged – good. As I finished my breakfast, I planned out my day, and knew the first thing I needed to do. I needed to talk to someone about this, and knew exactly who to call.
I typed in the name on my phone and rang the contact. After a few seconds, the flat “Aaron,” of Daisy greeted my ears.
“Daisy, I need to talk, it’s important. Do you have a second?”
“An hour, you mean?” She paused. “I have some time. Go ahead.”
“Cool, thanks. Hope I didn’t wake y-”
“Just go ahead.” she interrupted me.
“Right. Okay. Um…” I was suddenly incredibly nervous. I wasn’t sure if I had done anything bad, but I wasn’t sure how to explain what I had did without looking like a jerk.
“Sorry, sorry. Okay, so, um, last night Chris and Jerome got really drunk, and it ended up happening that Chris took Molly’s bed and Jerome took the couch, and their room was locked.”
“Okay…” Daisy slowly responded.
I started pacing back and forth. “Right, so I offered Molly my bed. Molly felt bad, knowing I’d be on the floor or something.”
“Why didn’t you just push Chris off the bed or something?”
“Believe me, I tried. So I was setting up to be on the floor, when Molly said she’d feel too guilty, and she suggested that we should share the bed instead. She suggested that.”
“Oh my God, Aaron, you dolt. That doesn’t mean jack. She was being-”
“That… isn’t what I’m calling about.”
Daisy stopped mid-sentence and paused. “…What is it then?”
“So, uh…” I clicked my tongue in discomfort. “How comfortable are you talking about your sister like this?”
“…Did something happen between you two?” She asked, mostly in surprise.
“Well, like, yes and no. She almost immediately fell asleep and I didn’t think anything by it. We just sorta lay there, and I was awake because I couldn’t fall asleep, and suddenly I felt her snuggle up to me. Like, she snuggled up to me.”
For the next couple of minutes, I just talked. Daisy didn’t say anything, not that I ever gave her a window to respond. In one fell swoop, I had explained every detail of what had transpired.
“…And then after we woke up, she never even acted differently. I swear, it was in her sleep. And it was something she started. Like, what does this mean?”
Daisy didn’t say anything for the longest time. “Listen.” she finally began with a quiet, dry voice. “I don’t know if you can hear yourself, but that was shameful. Never mind the fact that you went to her underage sister to tell her everything you did with her, but even if, even if your story is true, all she did was snuggle up to the closest thing to her and kiss it. You responded by groping her, touching her, and making her orgasm without her consent. Tell me, if I went to the dictionary armed with that, how would I define you?”
“Shut up, shut up.”she replied with surprising hostility, even for her. “You don’t get to talk anymore. I only humored you because of what I’m given. I don’t for a second believe that’s what happened. One of two things is going on here – either you’re lying for whatever reason to trick me and maybe yourself into thinking something is actually happening between you two, or you sexually assaulted my sister in her sleep, you took advantage of her. This was against her consent. I tried to see reason with you, but I have my limits. You will stop trying to get with my sister today, and you are hereby banished from my house.”
I was scared, I had a pit in my stomach, and even then I had to laugh. “I’m banished from your house? How are you going to enforce that?”
“I’ll tell her.”
I was silent in fear for a second. “That would require you telling her about our informational channel concerning her. It would lead to you getting outed for who you really are.”
“Then I’ll hope she’s better at keeping secrets than you are at not raping girls.”
“I’m not a fucking rapist.”
“Tell me how what you did wasn’t rape and I’ll take it all back.”
“She… she wanted it.” I feebly attempted. “She, she looked like she enjoyed it.”
“Unbelievable.” I could hear Daisy shaking her head. “Lose my number, Aaron. Don’t ever call me or talk to me again. Don’t ever talk to my sister either. Stay away from us. You don’t deserve her.” With that, the dial tone met my ears.
You don’t deserve her. What a hell of a quote to end an entire pseudo-friendship on. I found the nearest chair I could and sat down in it, my body sprawled, my head facing the ceiling. What if I was a rapist? What if I genuinely violated an innocent little flower? Was she really not the person I was painting her to be?
I don’t know why I was doing what I was doing. I sprang up from the chair and ran down the stairs, and entered her room. I booted up her laptop. I needed answers, answers of any kind. I needed to know who Molly was. I thought I knew her, but was Daisy right? Had I just lost my damn mind?
Emails. I needed emails. I looked through them, one by one. Boring stuff, stuff I already knew. This wasn’t good, this wasn’t progress, I needed progress. I typed in ‘Facebook.com’ and went to the homepage. She was already logged in, I was in. I went through her messages, person by person. Not even an old crush I could find. Her conversations were all so clinical, all so useless.
Twitter? She didn’t have one. LinkedIn? Didn’t help me at all. I had no clue what to even do from there. Reddit, Runescape, MySpace?! Nothing. My hands came up to my face and repeatedly made fists, over and over.
I closed my eyes and leaned back. This was her private property. I had no business being here. What was I even expecting to find here? It’s not like people express their sexual dissatisfaction on LinkedIn. They just watch po-
Porn. Her internet history. Bingo. Given the billions of sites it could have been, I didn’t even bother with the old ‘type in ___ and let the autocomplete help you out’ scenario, I just opened her internet history and gave it a key keywords.
I started with ‘porn.’ Each hit of the keys felt like a minor victory, up until I put in the ‘n’ and saw zero results. Okay, fair. Maybe girls watch different porn, I reasoned. ‘Penises.’ Nope. Maybe ‘dicks’? Oh, I got it. Singular form. ‘Penis.’ …No? Okay, fuck it, just ‘sex.’
Woah, a result. No, results. I leaned in to the computer – half in excitement, half in disbelief. Sex stories. Molly read sex stories. Like, a lot of them! She was a sexual creature, I had a case! …Well, I had something. Excitedly, I clicked a link. I couldn’t be so egotistical to hope to find one with an ‘Aaron,’ but even just knowing her fetishes might help. Maybe there’s was one for sleep sex or something.
Ten minutes passed by, my research getting more and more silly with each passing second, even to me. Plus, as it turned out, Molly was into those ‘sex’ stories where the non-sexual part of the story dwarfed the actual sex. Yawn. Yeah, I read sex stories to kill my boner and find out what crazy high school adventures Andy or whoever goes on, not to get off.
Eventually, I closed the browser, making sure I didn’t leave a footprint too easily traceable on her computer. I sat, staring at her open screen. Her choice in sex stories didn’t tell me much (apart from the fact that she was potentially a lover of boring stuff), but it was existent. It was there. Maybe Molly was living out a fantasy of hers in her sleep. They always say the freaks are the quieter ones. This could help explain me, or explain what happened, or at least put what happened into context. This meant at least something.
“You okay?” I heard a gruff voice behind me. I practically jumped. Shutting the laptop screen and turning around almost in one motion, my gaze locked on to that of Jerome’s. Either what he needed to do with Chris was super quick, or he was back home for something.
“Yeah, fine.” I quickly and a little too casually replied. “What are you doing downstairs?”
“I heard noises.”
“Noises?” I asked.
He nodded. “Grunts. You sounded distressed.”
My fuckboy liar powers came back in full swing. “You try working out this laptop, man. Molly asked me to email her a file or something from this computer for the meeting she has today with her prof. For the record, Macs suck. PCs all the way.”
“She asked you to do this?” Jerome asked. I was definitely in a suspicious place, but I played it cool.
“Yeah. I mean, I’m done now, I was just staring at the screen.” I figured, on the chance he saw me, giving truth at the end would make the whole story digestible. “I was startled because I don’t ever see you down here.”
“I see.” Jerome said simply, head nodding slightly. I couldn’t tell his body language – even when happy the guy looked gruff and disgruntled beyond hell.
“Is there anything else?” I asked, figuring only doubling down on my confidence would lead him away.
“No.” he simply replied, walking off. The tower of steel toppled. Sighing to myself, once I heard him going up the second set of stairs towards his own room, I exited Molly’s room and left for my own.
I had no clue why I went to the university. In theory, I wanted to see Molly, to talk to her, to find out something, anything. But what the fuck was I going to say? “Hey, you don’t remember but I fingered you in your sleep last night. Today, I looked into your private internet history and found boring sex stories, so does this mean something?” Even just being too rash made her shrivel up like a flower in autumn, actually admitting what I did would probably give her a heart attack.
I just wanted to talk, above everything else. This felt like one of those things that couldn’t wait. If I waited, I lost. Something was clearly starting here and I wanted to know what.
I was familiar enough with the university to at least give a rough guess as to where her professor would be, if the professor she was seeing was her main one, which it would probably be. I was almost hoping I wouldn’t find her, given the more I thought about what I wanted to say the more blanks I drew. I just wanted to see her, I wanted either for this to be over or to sprout into something new, something better.
After wandering through some unfamiliar hallways and asking some secretary, I entered the hallway I was looking for and found an office door that proudly displayed the name of Professor Hendriks, some professor of classic history. Unfortunately, it was empty, and I was back at square one.
I puttered around a bit, considering going back, until I heard a voice down the hallway and discovered a fox-like reflex. My ears perked up. It was Molly’s voice. As if I were a liquid, I slunk around the hallway, turning at corner after corner, attempting to get closer to the voice, until I found her.
She wasn’t alone. She was standing in the middle of the hallway talking to some brown-haired guy. Correction, he was talking to her. The guy looked like he would be the least outgoing member of a roving gang of jocks – shaggy brown hair, determined brown eyes, a chiseled yet soft face, and this cocky, arrogant grin on his face.
He was scribbling something down on a piece of paper, then handing it to her. “Normally I ask the girl for her number,” he said all too casually. “But I’m a modern kind of guy.”
Molly gave a nervous chuckle, not the good kind. The kind that showed she was uncomfortable. I looked at her hand, by her side. Sure enough, she was nervously tapping the side of her jeans.
I needed no further convincing. I practically sprang forward, devolving into a casual step as I approached Molly. “Hey, Molly.” I said as nonchalantly as I could. “Chris needed your help with something. Are you finished meeting your…” I stopped and stared daggers into Mr. Brownhair. “…professor?”
Molly said nothing, and just looked back and forth between him and I. “Oh, hey, you know Molly too?” Mr. Brownhair asked me, outstretching his hand. “My name’s Carson. I’m in her ancient history class.”
“Nice.” I said flatly and turned back to Molly. “Do you need to get anything else done or can you come back home?”
“Um, no, I’m done…” Molly said quietly.
“Alright then, we should probably go.” I turned around, throwing behind me, “Sorry to rush you.”
“It’s fine!” Molly reassured me. She turned back to Carson. “I guess I’ll see you later.”
“Call me.” Carson replied in a sickeningly suave voice. I didn’t bother to look back at the pair, I just walked at a slow pace so Molly could catch up. I didn’t want to look back at that wannabe Casanova for another second.
“So, what’s the situation, is Chris okay?” Molly asked as she caught up to me.
I glanced behind me to make sure we were alone. “Oh yeah, Chris is fine. I lied. I saw you were uncomfortable with that Carson guy, so I decided to step in.”
“What?” Molly stopped in her tracks and rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, Aaron.” she practically whined. “You are not my dad.”
“Your hand was doing the thing!” I defended myself. “You were pretty clearly nervous.”
“I’m always nervous!” she retaliated. “I was fine! I’ve known Carson for a bit now.”
“Yeah, real piece of work, isn’t he?”
“Huh?” Molly and I resumed our walking.
“Textbook fuckboy.” I explained. “Remember what we were talking about a bit ago? He has the hots for you.”
“I don’t know about that.” Molly shyly said to the ground, brushing her hair back. “Weren’t you the one who wanted me to get a boyfriend so badly?”
“Yeah, a boyfriend. Not a guy that sees you as a walking sex machine.” I clarified. “I know the type. He wants one thing from you.”
“I think you’re being really judgmental right now.” Molly said in a voice that was about 80% serious.
“Italian.” I reminded her. I’ve told her multiple times before that Italians were always the first ones to be judgmental towards people, but they were never wrong about it.
Molly rolled her eyes. “He isn’t like that. We’re not like that. He needed my number because he wasn’t getting something in seminar.”
“So he’s getting free homework help from you too?”
“Listen. He’s a nice guy. He hasn’t done anything to make me uncomfortable. I appreciate you helping me, but… I want to make my own decisions, okay? You wanted me to make friends. I don’t like that I can only make them on your terms.”
I sighed aloud. “Okay, fair enough. Do you like him? Like, like like him?”
“No.” she bluntly answered.
I hated to admit it, but it was a major load off my mind. I felt like such a highschooler. “Really? There’s nothing there?”
“There’s nothing. I don’t need a boyfriend, Aaron. I can make friends who are boys without wanting to kiss them or screw them or anything.”
I chuckled out loud. “Okay, fair enough. I’m sorry.”
“I appreciate you caring, though. I know your heart’s in the right place.” She added, smiling warmly at me.
“Just be careful. If he tries anything…”
“Then I’ll be sure to tell you you told me so.” Molly added dryly.
That was the end of that. Of course, nothing I went to see her about got resolved, and that would probably just be a weight on my mind until I got the chance to work that stress out somehow.
Holly could barely keep up her moaning with my hand grasped around her throat. As I thrust into her from behind, each time with more raw power than the last, my left hand gripped her throat harder and my right tugged on her hair with more force.
She couldn’t speak. She didn’t have to. I wanted this tension out, and I didn’t need her speaking to distract me. She just needed to submit, and I would have my way with her. I didn’t need to ask if she liked it – her moans and grunts were proof positive she was enjoying the hell out of the experience. Truthfully, I didn’t give a damn if she was. I needed a way to release all of my pent-up energy, and Holly was the perfect vessel. When we met up, I didn’t waste any time with her – I pinned her to the wall and practically ripped her pants off, giving foreplay no thought as I threw her over the bed and brutally pushed my way inside her.
She liked it like that, the little slut. She liked being split apart by my dick, without so much as a ‘hello.’ No words were needed, even for the moments I wasn’t inside her – as we moved around the room, I must have drilled her everywhere. Starting against the wall, moving to her desk, against her door, even up against her window. A part of me was downright impressed with her sexual appetite and the fact that she could keep up with me today of all days, but another part of me didn’t care. I needed to work out my tension somehow.
And I never stopped. Taking my hand off of her throat only to give her another spank every so often, I kept up the rhythm we had built together since we first started fucking, which could’ve been an hour ago at this point. There was no desire to cum, and no desire to stop any time soon. I just needed to keep going, I needed to do something else. I needed her in my grasp as long as possible, and Holly knew this, maybe even rejoiced in it, because she knew what it meant for her – it meant that as long as she was a good girl she would get rewarded with a hard cock buried to the hilt inside her for as long as she could stand it.
Taking myself outside of her just long enough to forcefully flip her over, I dived right back inside her as I collapsed forward, my mouth landing perfectly on her neck as I began to kiss and bite wildly, lost in the heat of the sexual passion with which we filled the air.
“Ah!” Holly instinctively yelped. “Easy there, Aaron.”
I never stopped thrusting inside of her, but my head shot up all the same. Did… did she just command me? Did she just tell me what to do? I never stopped staring straight forward, my breathing becoming quicker, but not in lust. Even as Holly shrieked out loud and I felt her grip me as her third orgasm rippled through her, I never stopped staring straight forward. Holly just told me what to do. Even though she knew she was my little whore, she still had the nerve to try to turn the tables on me.
Going slightly faster and really working my hips so Holly could feel the full force of my manhood pumping in and out of her, I tried to reason with myself. Maybe it slipped out. Maybe she was lost in the moment. Holly knew that she was nothing other than my little whore at heart, and I’d prove it. I’d prove it right now.
“Tell me you’re my little whore.” I breathed, keeping up my full pace.
“What?” It sounded like perhaps she didn’t hear me.
“Tell me… you’re my… cheap, little, useless, cocksleeve whore!” I panted emphatically, shoving my cock inside her extra deep to really make sure she got the point.
I blinked and immediately froze where I was. I had to take a second to process that answer before sliding back out of her and standing before her as she gathered her breath.
She told me to stop. Did I do something wrong? Did I do something bad? What did I say during the heat of passion?
Holly sat up on the side of the bed, facing me, not bothering to hide any of herself. Part of me almost wished she did. “Aaron, what’s going on?” she finally broke the ice.
I waited for her to continue, but painfully, she didn’t. “What do you mean?” I eventually asked.
She chuckled before continuing. “Aaron, you are the best fuck I’ve ever had, but you’re a complete loose cannon. Half the time when we fuck you’re telling me you love me, even though you can’t even seem to remember my god damn name, and half the time you’re treating me like your own personal sex toy.”
“You go along with it!” I protested.
“I think it’s hot!” she fired back. “I mean, I used to think it was hot. But the way you go back and forth has made this really weird for me. I’m expected to tell you I’m nothing to you but a cheap whore and at the same time you get to say you love me during sex and I can’t even ask about it! What’s the deal with that?!”
“It’s more compli-”
“And then you’re coming and going all the time! You didn’t even let me know you were coming this time. Are you even aware of the fact that you just showed up to my dorm like we planned this or something? I couldn’t even react before you had me against the wall. If I were anyone else you’d be in cuffs right now!”
“I knew th-”
“Then after sex you’re either pretending like I couldn’t possibly understand your feelings, or you-”
“God dammit, would you shut up?!” I yelled in her face. “You think you understand everything, you don’t know what the fuck I’m going through!”
“I’d hope it’s a lot, considering how you’re showing zero care for me!” she yelled back.
“I thought that’s what this was!” I protested in an overly high voice. “We use each other, we fuck each other!” I was practically prancing around the room, gesturing around us to prove my point.
“Baby, I’m one hundred and ten percent down for that.” she replied, in a weirdly calm voice. “Use me. Use my body. Just… stop also saying you love me. It’s getting really creepy.”
“I didn’t do it this time though.” I protested back, calming down myself.
“You did. Twelve times.”
I didn’t even respond. I just stared at her, unblinking, my facial expression becoming undone. Twelve times? Twelve freaking times?
She took the opportunity of silence to resume. “If we’re gonna continue doing this, it’s just you using me. It’s not any of this love crap. And if you are going to never remember my name, don’t even say my name. Just… “ she sported a small grin. “I dunno, call me your fuckslut or toy or something.” Her grin faded. “But no more love stuff. If you think you’re more relationship material, just tell me.”
I was still reeling from the revelation that I had said I loved her twelve times. And that was after she started counting. How long were we fucking? What was the ratio of time spent fucking to saying I loved her? It was creeping me the fuck out.
I started gathering my clothes, not even noticing that she was still mid-sentence. At the sight of seeing me get hastily clothed, she sighed. “Leaving so soon?” she asked dryly, as if she knew the answer.
“This is just… really weird.” I managed to say.
Holly had already flopped back onto the bed, laying on her back, looking at her phone. She laughed at what I said. “Tell me about it.” she replied. “Call me when this stuff is out of your system and you’re ready to fuck again, okay?”
“Aren’t you ever bothered by… anything I do?” I asked, digesting for the first time just how weird this whole situation was.
“Actually, you’re not even the most fucked-up guy I’m fucking.” she replied coolly, turning to grin at me. “But you have the most bomb dick, so work through your shit quickly, okay?”
“Don’t… don’t boss me around. Please. It’s not helping.” I spat out, reaching for the door.
Holly didn’t say anything in response. She merely cocked an eyebrow as she watched me leave.
When I had slunk home, it was closer to when I was supposed to wake up than when I was supposed to sleep. That scenario wasn’t too uncommon for me, but I hadn’t counted on the unknown element of Chris still being up and casually eating instant ramen in the kitchen when I first opened the door.
As he all-too-casually said “Hey,” I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Chris being Chris, he rushed over to me. “You okay, hon?” he asked, supportively grabbing my shoulder.
“I just… I wasn’t expecting you to be up.” I mumbled, still kind of shocked.
Chris made a snarky-sounding laughing sound. “Oh, you’re gonna have fun living with me then.” he proclaimed, walking back to the kitchen. “My sleeping schedule is the second-most unpredictable thing about me.”
I ignored the obvious conversation bait and made my way to the nearest couch, sitting down.
“So what’s with you being so stressed?” Chris’ voice casually rang from the kitchen. “You’re not normally this jumpy, is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine.” I dismissively replied, barely loud enough for him to hear. Chris said nothing until he returned from the kitchen to the living room, a bowl of gross-looking noodles in his hands. He put his bowl down and stared at me for a few seconds until I started feeling uncomfortable. “…What?” I finally asked.
“I know I can’t force you to say anything, but give me a little credit here.” Chris replied seriously. “I know when you’re okay, and I know when you’re not okay.” He took a slurp from his noodles. “Now that we’re living together, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some sort of transparency.”
“Are you just used to being the guy people open up to?” I asked, throwing my hands up.
Chris shrugged nonchalantly. “Comes with being gay. I’m everyone’s side character, everyone’s therapist. A repairman of everyone’s emotional issues, if you’d like.” He took another bite of his noodles. “I got a lot of practice of that in high school.”
That didn’t seem right, but at least he was at peace with it. Still, it sounded like no one was really there for him. “Alright, then… do you want me to ask how you’re doing? Are you alright, do you and Jerome have any issues?”
Chris smiled at me with an eyebrow lowered. “No, sweetie, I’m fine.” he replied. “Jerome and I are fine. I’m just saying, I’m in my element here, and something is clearly upsetting you.”
I sighed. I didn’t know what to say, and the longer I went without saying anything, the more I was probably confirming to Chris that something was wrong. I probably could have said nothing was wrong, withstood his gaze, and trudged off to sleep, but that moment had passed a long time ago.
I sighed again. “I was out with a girl tonight.” I began, then paused for him to say something. Torturingly, he didn’t say anything. He just waited for me to continue, and evidently, no amount of staring back was going to change that. “It’s a girl I’ve been seeing for a while now. Holly, her name was Holly… I’ve been kind of acting out with her for a while. I’m, uh…” I paused, holding my hands in front of my face while Chris patiently waited. “I’ve, uh… I’ve got this thing for Molly. I wasn’t really expecting it at first, but it’s kind of consisted. And now, I feel like my inner… well, my inner fuckboy and the part of me that wants to ask Molly out and eventually be with her… they’re colliding. Like, I want to be with her, but I know a part of me doesn’t want to give up being promiscuous. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I’m a bad person, I know.”
“Sweetie, I’m not saying or even thinking anything to that effect.” Chris reassured me with a gentle yet firm voice. “There are no judgments here. Keep going.”
“I think that’s it it. I was being really weird with Holly because it’s starting to creep up on me that I don’t want… what I have. I just want to be with Molly. This whole situation has made my head spin because one moment I want to fuck this one girl like a wild animal, and she gets off on it too, but the next I’m disgusted with both her and myself for doing what we did.”
“I see.” Chris said slowly. “And does Molly know about your crush on her?”
“Hell no, she’d probably hate me for it.” I answered. “She’s always seen me as her… probably her big brother figure. I shield her from fuckboys. If I want to be true to myself, I need to shield her from me.”
“Shield her from yourself?” Chris asked me. “So then, you want to make Molly one of your conquests?”
“Fuck no. No. God no.” I instinctively replied, recoiling at the question.
Chris nodded slowly to himself. “I think you’re making the right call there.” he replied, dropping his normal flamboyant flair entirely by this point. “I normally don’t make a habit of telling other people what to do, but please never do that. I don’t think it would ever end well.”
“Molly isn’t a sexual creature, and I am.” I sighed again. “I don’t really know what to do. Hell, neither does Daisy.” I bit my tongue as I remembered Daisy hated my guts at this point too, so whether she knew the best course of action of not was irrelevant.
“Smartest girl I know.” I replied honestly. “She helps me with relationship advice and stuff.”
“Hmm. It’s probably best you go to her for the more specific questions, I can’t really give you advice from a female perspective.” Chris answered, almost delving into a psychiatrist mode. “So, what are your plans going forward?”
I shrugged. “I’m probably not going to do anything. Continue the friendship, act like nothing is happening.” I answered. “It’ll kill me inside, but I know Molly and I are a bad match. I don’t think either of us can deliver what the other is looking for.”
“That’s a very mature answer.” Chris nodded.
“Chris, I’m in college.”
Chris chuckled, regaining his flamboyant charm. “That doesn’t mean a damn thing. University kids are just high schoolers that are given more control over their own life. Most of the time we’re just as mature as we were in high school.”
“You must have been one hell of a mature highschooler then.” I replied sourly.
“I had my moments.” Chris replied, standing up with his bowl. “Anything else you need?”
“No, I think I got it all out of my system.” I remarked, standing up myself. “Thanks again for hearing me out.”
“Hey, it’s my role in life.” he replied, going up to his room. Again, I felt a twinge of guilt at that implication, and wanted to say something as he went up the stairs, but couldn’t think of anything. ‘Well, you’re good at it!’ would have just reinforced it. Fuck it, I thought to myself, and went to my own room, pausing to stare vacantly at Molly’s closed door on the way.
In all of my life, I couldn’t remember a single time I had went to the Sharptons’ household for dinner and not enjoy it, but there I was. I wasn’t even sure how I was eating – I definitely didn’t feel like it, but I didn’t want to be rude, or worse, suspicious.
It wasn’t my choice to go to dinner, but I had never declined before, and Molly knew my schedule to a tee. Plus, if I didn’t go, it would still leave Molly and Diasy in the same household for a night, and I wouldn’t be there if something were brought up. That somehow made things even more scary.
Daisy didn’t have to do much to scare me while I was there, but, true to her style, she chose to go above and beyond while making sure no one else noticed. Every chance she got when no one else was looking our way, she would turn her head and stare at me. She never snarled, she never even glared. With a completely blank face, she just stared at me, as if she was daring me to make some kind of first move. I liked to pride myself on my confidence, especially around girls, but I was absolutely terrified. And yet, every time someone would address her, she’d go back to her method acting role as the shy awkward preteen with little-to-no social skills around family. Part of me wanted to expose her first, but we both knew she could wreck me if I did.
Either the rest of the family didn’t notice my quietness or didn’t raise a point about it, because before long, dinner was over and the family had all excused themselves to help out afterwards, with Daisy running to the basement as always.
When Daisy ran to the basement, I immediately looked off to the living room, the hallway, anywhere but into the kitchen to meet eyes with Molly. Please, no, I pleaded to God. Not today.
“Hey, Aaron…” Molly began, her voice ringing from the kitchen.
My heart stopped. I debated not hearing her, but realising that would get me nowhere, I walked as casually over to Molly as possible. “Yeah?”
Molly stifled a smile as she scrubbed a plate, looking back to make sure that her dad, scrubbing another plate, wasn’t within immediate earshot. “Did you happen to notice Daisy was looking at you a lot tonight?” she asked softly, in a near-whisper.
“What?” I asked innocently. I didn’t like where this was going.
Molly wasn’t stifling her smile anymore. “You know, I think there’s something there. Maybe I shouldn’t have been sending you all those times to help her with her homework…” she kept her gaze on the dish she was scrubbing.
“What are you talking about?” I was genuinely lost now.
“Aaron…” Molly replied, beaming yet quiet, as if it were obvious. “Daisy has a crush on you.”
I had to laugh. Probably a bit louder than I would have liked. “No no, no. Absolutely not. She most certainly does not have a crush on me.” I replied emphatically.
“Come on, Aaron. It’s normal for girls her age.”
“Why would you even point that out?” I asked her incredulously. “What do you want me to do with this theory?”
“I don’t know!” she defended herself. “She’ll obviously get over it eventually. I just think it’s adorable!”
“And I think it’s not at all what’s going on here.” Of course, I couldn’t tell her why I was so certain of such a claim.
Molly chuckled. “Say what you want, Aaron.” she smugly replied, putting a dish away. “It looks like your charm is bleeding into our household.” She grinned at me. As if we were sharing a joke. I mean, I guess we were, or would have been, under any other circumstances, and I wanted so badly to join Molly in this moment – there was nothing I treasured more than the moments where both of us shared a laugh in secret. It normally set my heart racing. In this particular circumstance, though, it plunged my heart into a crater.
All I could do was look away and cough nervously. Molly said nothing for a few more seconds, and perhaps noticed the awkwardness. “Oh, come on.” she protested at first, but immediately halted her fun-loving glow upon seeing me not come on. She, too, coughed nervously, putting another dish away.
“Sorry,” she said after a while in a shaky voice. Great, now I felt bad. I turned back towards her and put on my best ‘it’s okay’ smile. “It’s fine. It’s just… weird. Joking about stuff like that.”
“I understand.” she replied, smiling genuinely back at me. “I’ll try not to be so careless with my jokes in the future.” Take me, death, I thought bitterly. I thought that the worst part was the fact that she didn’t know what was happening, but the real worst part was she thought she was in the wrong, and I couldn’t correct her without spilling the beans.
“No, no, it’s fine.” I tried to soothe her regardless.
“But now that we bring it up…” her gaze shifted to the basement stairs. “Could you please go check up on her? I’m not saying you have to stay the whole time she does her homework or anything. Maybe it would… get this tension out in the open. You could even ask her.”
“Nope!” I instinctively blurted out, widening my eyes as I did so. I couldn’t imagine the maelstrom waiting for me if I dared go downstairs. “Out of the question.”
Molly rolled her eyes in response. “Okay, I get it, the crush thing is weird, whatever. But you’re in university, get over yourself.” she continued, clearly only half-joking. “It’s not like you can avoid talking to her forever.”
I sure as hell would die trying. “I just… really don’t want to.”
“Why? You’ve never fought back this hard before.” Molly’s expression turned sadder. “I’m starting to regret saying the crush thing.” She looked down to the floor, cleared her throat, then looked back up. “Okay, you know what, forget what I said. I’m sure the looking thing was a coincidence. Could you please just spend, like, five minutes with her? Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking.”
“No.” I stood my ground and made it clear. “I don’t want to. Please respect my wishes.”
I wasn’t expecting what happened next. Molly gripped the dish she was previously wiping hard, and tears began to well up in her eyes. Molly got stressed often, but not to the point of crying – I only ever saw her do this once or twice. Plus, usually she’d run to her room long before that.
“What?” I asked, half supportively, half annoyed.
“I’m ruining your friendship.” she managed to get out without getting her tears flowing. “I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth and talked. I shouldn’t say things anymore. If I just had not said things, you two would be fine and… and…”
My eye twitched and I groaned internally. My head was a war-torn battlefield. On one hand, I risked infuriating Daisy, and compromising everything. On the other, I was making Molly seriously upset, and I knew as well as she did that it made her exponentially anxious and upset publicly crying. I was responsible for Molly becoming seriously upset, just by being afraid of Daisy.
I sighed and looked at the floor. It wasn’t Daisy I was in love with. Who the fuck cares if I make her more upset? Right now, the most important thing was making sure that Molly was okay. I gently lifted her chin from looking down at the floor with my index finger. “Okay, okay.” I conceded. “I’ll go visit her, and I’ll try to be as… I’ll try not to be awkward with her. But I won’t be in there for long. Deal?”
Molly tried to hide her compulsive sobs and quick breaths. “Thank you.” she almost mouthed. “I’m sorry I forced you into this.”
“You didn’t force anything.” I reassured her. “If this’ll make you happy, then I’d rather do that.” I gazed off towards the basement. “Hopefully it won’t be that bad…”
Molly said little more before rushing off to the bathroom to freshen up. I, on the other hand, was in no hurry whatsoever. I was in a weird mix between lightheaded and downright scared. I had to physically move my leg with my hands to get on the first step, then did a few slow breaths as I performed an inner mantra. I can do this.
I opened my eyes with determination and began to walk down the stairs. Upon first seeing Daisy, my heart still stopped, though my legs kept moving. Even so, I lost feeling in them. Daisy’s first reaction to seeing me was shock, followed by pure anger.
“You’ve got a lot of balls to come down here tonight, you rapist.” she spat out.
“M-Molly saw you staring. She thinks you have a crush on me.” I managed. I really wanted to speak with as much fire as she did, but I couldn’t quite do it.
“I don’t care.” Daisy flatly responded. “You shouldn’t have even come to dinner tonight. You’re lucky I haven’t told her as it is. I thought I told you to stay away from her.”
“I live with her. I’ve never said no to dinner beforehand. How the fuck do you want me to proceed, run away and never come back?” I protested.
“Aaron.” Daisy began with an eerily calm voice. “You still don’t get it. The way you’re talking, you think of this whole scenario, even from my angle, like you made a mistake for which I can’t forgive you. That’s not it.” She stood up, barely coming up to my chest yet still feeling taller than me. “You consciously sexually assaulted her. You committed a crime, legally and morally. I don’t care about ‘what you do from here’ if your intent is fixing the situation. The glass is shattered, you can’t just glue it back together. You’re done, finito, game over. I want justice, not for you to proceed with caution.”
“You act like Molly’s a celibate who couldn’t possibly understand anything that happens to her, ever. You know a lot about biology, you know humans can’t do sexual acts in their sleep.”
“I’m more willing to believe that I’m wrong on that front than what you did was consensual.” she shot back with fire.
“Why aren’t you willing to believe she makes her own choices?” I asked her icily. “She makes her own choices. She reads porn stories. She’s clearly got some level of sexual activity. And we have a great emotional relationship. We can make our own choices.”
“Kind of hard to be involved in a choice if you aren’t aware it’s even happening!” she yelled back, not caring about the volatility of the subject matter enough to keep it quiet anymore. “C-O-N-S-E-N-T.”
“You know what? Believe what you want.” I huffed back, getting red in the face from how immature I felt from that statement. “You weren’t there. I think there’s more to this story than you’re willing to believe. I don’t give a damn what you think.”
“You’re a fucking animal, Aaron. A monster. Don’t you dare even think about coming into this house ever again!!” Daisy practically shrieked at me.
“Oh my God.” came a familiar voice behind me, from the stairs. I whirled around to see Molly halfway down the staircase, a hand over her face in sheer disbelief, staring at Daisy, her quiet, antisocial sister yelling such a phrase.
No one said anything for a good few seconds. I whirled back around to look again at Daisy, who met my gaze with steel. I was downright scared, especially of how long Molly was standing there.
“What the hell is this about?!” she asked incredulously. It was clear she heard the noise and went downstairs to investigate. She turned to me. “What the heck did you say to her to make her raise her voice like that?”
What the heck did you say to her. She didn’t hear the full conversation. I subconsciously began to breathe a sigh of relief, but remembering my situation, turned it into a huff of anger halfway through. I pointed to Daisy, clutching onto my final lifeline.
“I told you. I fucking told you this would happen.” I told Molly. “This is why I didn’t want to talk to her. “I can’t deal with these sorts of situations.” I turned back around to face Daisy. “If these sorts of things are what I’m going to get from here on in, maybe I just shouldn’t come back here again.” I raised my eyebrows once at Daisy as if to communicate a point. Internally, I prayed.
After the effect of my glare had worn off, I stopped my pointing and determinedly walked past Molly up the stairs. I waited at the top of the stairs, counted for a few seconds, then crept my way back, peering into the basement from where they couldn’t see me.
I didn’t care that I had resorted to spying. I needed to know what was going to happen after this. I got there in time to see Molly approaching Daisy, asking if I had hurt her. Daisy had reverted back to her ‘normal’ form, being all shy and timid.
“He yelled at me, Molly.” Daisy complained in a sickeningly high voice. “I don’t get why Aaron’s like that.”
“Aaron has some… he has a history.” Molly explained, really struggling with the words. I felt a twinge of guilt knowing Molly thought she knew where this was coming from, and how real that part of me really was.
“Molly, please… can you make me a promise?” Daisy asked her sister timidly.
“Anything. What is it?” Molly asked supportively.
“Please stop bringing him here. He scares me.” Daisy sniffled. Tears were flowing down her face. I had no clue why Daisy was being so merciful towards me. Maybe she felt like giving me one last chance, maybe because despite everything else, she didn’t want to admit we had an informational back-channel and subsequently reveal her true identity.
Molly was silent for a long time. “He really scared you that much, huh?”
Daisy nodded. “If you ever end up in a relationship, I hope you bring someone nice home. Someone kind. Not like Aaron.” She really emphasized that last part. That was the limit for me. With an internal huff, I made my way back up the stairs and answered the Sharptons’ questions with a half-baked story about Daisy’s hormones making her unusually snippy and my stressful time at school making me weak, thus me yelling back. I concluded my story with an honest-looking apology, which they readily accepted. Part of me was disappointed in them, and myself, that they accepted my apology so readily.
I really didn’t deserve them. Or Molly. Or even Daisy. And now, I had clearly lost Daisy, forever. Now I was just clinging to the hope that I wouldn’t lose any more of them through whatever I did in the future.
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