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In the Last Chapter…

With Nicole forcibly removed as Council President, Adam is forced to take over, as is tradition. The higher-ups don’t hide their disapproval. Thankfully, the group of Adam, Zelda, Megan and Athena seems to still hold together, even with some hiccups. At the Student Council election, Adam dedicates the speech to the memory of Nicole, and thanks to Mr. Scott, gets a recorded copy that he shows to Nicole. She’s overwhelmed with positive emotions, even in her distant state. The higher-ups in the Student Council attempt to mutiny against Adam but he shuts them down, and points out along the way how none of them truly cared about Nicole after she was ousted. Adam reports to Nicole after, who’s grateful he stood up for her. Nicole admits that she loves Adam, and wants to try things out again with him. They’re both elated, and agree they’ll talk the next day about it. Adam ends up going back to her place for his phone, and realizes she’s gone. He finds her in the church, having barricaded herself after a serious suicide attempt. He vows to save her life and runs for help, determined to save her.

---

“I’m really sorry I scared you that badly,” Nicole told me, before turning and giving me a sympathetic smile. “I can only imagine what that must have been like for you.”

Our legs dangled over the building’s edge. Both of us were sitting on the edge, overlooking the vast nothingness below. I nodded and looked up. “I don’t blame you.”

Her smile turned genuine, yet somber. “It’s sweet you say that, but… c’mon, dude.” She rolled her eyes and made her legs start to criss-cross. “It was the dumbest thing I ever did.”

“I thought the dumbest thing you ever did was that thing with Allistair at the party,” I pointed out with a humorous tone.

“Yeah, there are a lot of contenders there, but I outdid myself with this one,” she added humorously.

“I wasn’t exactly perfect either,” I admitted, finding her hand with mine and squeezing it.

“But we were so fuckin’ human, weren’t we?” she asked with this faux inquisitive voice. “Anyways, how’s school?”

“Finals start soon,” I admitted. “Like, in a few days.”

“And lemme guess, you’re not prepared for aaaaany of ‘em,” she replied with a smirk.

I smirked back. “Excuse me, I kinda had other shit on my mind,” I replied teasingly. “Who’s even prepared for Salvador’s finals anyway? Business will be fine. Health and Wellness is still a bullshit class, I don’t care what you say.”

“And chem?” she asked.

“Yeah, okay, I’m gonna fuckin’ suck at chem,” I admitted.

Nicole giggled and ruffled her hand through my hair. “You have a few days to study, dummy. Use ‘em.”

I sighed, looking away. “I dunno,” I truthfully told her, looking away. “It’s really hard to actually focus right now.”

“Yeah,” Nicole mumbled, the mood dropping. “I guess I’m sorry for that too.”

I waved my hand dismissively, still looking away. “I don’t want you apologizing for any of it. It doesn’t change how I see you at all.” I paused. “I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“I’ll always love you too,” Nicole told me quietly, and the two of us remained there for a while. “You should probably get going soon, huh?” she finally asked. “You got a big day ahead.”

I sighed again. “I don’t want to.”

“I know,” she admitted. “But hey, I’ll be here. You know that.”

“You’d better be.”

My eyes didn’t shoot open when I awoke. I was over that by this point. Instead, they slowly opened, accepting that today was another day. I stared at the ceiling for a bit, before stretching. Some days I stared at the ceiling for a while before getting out of bed. Today, I had a little more energy.

I threw on my clothes, taking them from the carefully organized dresser, and made my way downstairs. “Morning,” I called out to Mom and Dad with little energy as I approached the breakfast table.

“Good morning, sweetie,” Mom said affectionately. “How are you doing today, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think I’m okay,” I replied softly. “I, uh, had the dream again.”

Dad turned around, nodding. “Was it nice?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “They’re always nice.”

“That’s good,” he told me quietly, then turned back to his frying pan. “Hey, if you don’t mind a topic change…” He looked back at me.

I shook my head.

“”…I think I’m getting better at making eggs. You want any? I really do think you should start eating breakfast again. It’ll help, I promise.”

I sighed. “Okay, sure, let’s try it today,” I conceded. “But if I can’t eat any more after a few bites, I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.”

“I understand,” Dad told me seriously. “It means a lot that you’re trying at all.” He got a plate and served me two eggs and a lightly buttered piece of toast. I gave him a small, muted smile, and picked up my fork. Experimentally, I broke a piece off of one of the sunny-side up eggs and put it in my mouth. I slowly chewed it, putting in more effort than I expected, and eventually swallowed.

“What’s the verdict?” Dad asked, leaning into the table.

I ran my tongue around in my mouth and opened my mouth a few times, trying to settle on the taste.

“…Looks like manslaughter,” Dad added jokingly.

“They’re fine, it’s just tough to get back into,” I answered. “I’ll finish the eggs and you have the toast.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” Dad replied. “Marcia, eggs?”

“Two, please,” Mom said back warmly to Dad, then turned to me and smiled sadly.

It was kind of funny how Mom, Dad and I were having sit-down breakfasts for two weeks now and yet this was the first breakfast I actually ate. Life is funny that way, I guess. I quickly finished my breakfast, then realized I might miss the bus if I didn’t hurry. I scooped up my bag and grabbed my new flip-phone. It was older and could do less. I loved it.

As I ran out the door, the morning sun and dew weren’t the only things to greet me. As I walked down the driveway, I dared to steal a glance at the property two houses down from mine. I wasn’t too shocked to see the new sign sticking out of their lawn. ‘For Sale.’ That sounded about right. Once or twice in the past few weeks I entertained the idea of visiting them, talking to them, but… what the hell would I even say?

After getting off the bus, I walked silently to my locker. Apart from lunches, I didn’t really talk to anyone these days. At lunch time, I’d hang out with Megan and Athena and Zelda, but the rest of the time, I was just doing my thing. Heck, maybe I’d come to really miss it over the summer and blossom into a social butterfly in grade eleven again. Grade eleven.

The school was only barely beginning to get back to normal, and even then, it was like we forgot what “normal” even was. It was nothing like the movies. It wasn’t like they made her a martyr or anything, it wasn’t like they all went, “oh, she’s so cool and we all should have listened to her.” Hell, some students actually went in the other direction. A group of kids started some online page talking about how much of a selfish slut she was and that she deserved what she got. The kid who made it was quickly found out and expelled though. That was nice. A little bit of justice.

For the most part, the aura in the beginning was more like a combination of disbelief and panic. Ms. Dewitt, the school counselor, became fully booked immediately, as were the two grief counselors the school immediately hired. It was all the students could talk about, and yet… they didn’t know what to say at all. The morning the news broke, instead of having a normal class, Salvador asked us to sit in a circle onstage like we did that time he reprimanded us. Only, this time, he… cried. He talked about how important life is, how important it is to keep the people we love close, and how much each and every one of us meant. We all talked. We all cried.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the visual of Salvador crying out of my head. Add it to the pile, I guess.

When I closed my locker, I realized I wasn’t alone. I turned to my right to see Carson standing next to me, looking a little sheepish. The last time we talked was when we were at his locker and he said… he said to Nicole…

“Hey,” he told me in a low, gravelly voice.

“Hi, Carson,” I told him flatly, locking my locker. “What do you need?”

He stared at me for a bit and sighed. “That’s a great question, isn’t it?” he asked. “I don’t know. I guess I… I wanted to let you know that… I dunno. Some part of me wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that I didn’t mean the last thing I said to her.”

I stared a hole through him. “Well, you said it, didn’t you?” I told him.

“Yeah. Some part of me can’t help but wonder if… never mind, it’s stupid…”

“No. She didn’t give enough of a shit about you,” I answered, reading his mind. “You didn’t change anything, Carson.”

“Yeah, well…” Carson trailed off. “I guess that’s a comfort. In the worst way. You know.”

“Glad you’re feeling better,” I told him with no emotion, and started to walk away. It was crazy. For so long I had wished so hard for Carson to come back and start a conversation with me, but now that it happened, I couldn’t wait to get away from the guy. And of course he didn’t apologize for anything he said to me. I was still here, I wasn’t gone. He could have made any amends he wanted with me. But that didn’t matter. Everything had to be about her, and everyone knew I was the person who was the closest to her, so everything around me had to be about her too.

Drama class itself was okay. Pretty uneventful. I went up on stage, did what I needed to do, talked to whoever I needed to talk to. I left my ego at the door and acted. That’s what drama class wanted from us, so that’s what I gave. After class was over, I half-expected Savlador to keep me behind and say something, but he only gave me one quick glance before going back to his clipboard. 

“See you later, Salvador,” I called out, leaving the aud. He didn’t respond, but hey, he didn’t need to.

Health and Wellness as a class may as well have not existed. I barely cared about it before, and now, well, forget about it. Mr. Wainright didn’t even bother to get me to focus either. He meant well, but he was clueless. I spent class today doing what I always did in his class: staring at the all ahead of me.

Before long, class was over and lunch period had begun. Megan had texted me during second period to ask if I was going to be at the table during lunch, but I didn’t know why she bothered. I was going to be there, for sure, but I wasn’t going to text her back. My phone was too clunky and awkward to text people back, and that suited me just fine.

As I walked down the halls towards the caf, I stopped in the main hallway, looking up at the gaudy and tasteless picture of Nicole they put up. Jesus. Poor Nicole; she would have hated what they did. I scoffed and shook my head, then looked around at the one or two other students observing the picture. They probably thought it was such a good display. They thought Hazelwood was so good for what they did. Clueless.

I joined my friends at the table, sitting down so I could open my lunch bag and stare at it for a bit. Maybe I’d eat a bit more today, but on the other hand, I was kind of full from the breakfast I actually ate today.

Athena watched me looking at my bag. “Is today easier or harder?” she asked me, her voice full of concern.

“Everything’s annoying me today,” I answered honestly. “Did you see the fucking picture in the main hallway? I swear, I just noticed it today. Christ, what a fucking shitshow.”

Athena’s expression turned to confusion. “Wait, yeah, I saw it. What was wrong with it? It looked fine to me.”

Megan looked at Athena with a patient smile. “Nicole may not have liked how it looks,” she explained.

Athena mouthed an ‘ah’ and nodded. She turned to Zelda, who was looking at her, and sheepishly shrugged. Zelda gave her an encouraging smile and squeezed her hand supportively.

I had to admit, I didn’t see them coming. From the stories they told, they weren’t expecting it either, but I was pretty happy for them. For a whole host of reasons, no one was happier for the two of them than Megan, whose smile turned wholesome when she saw Zelda’s hand remain on Athena’s, stroking it supportively. Their hands soon separated and they went back to their lunches.

I turned to Megan. “You’ll never guess who had the balls to talk to me today.”

“Who?” she asked, her face inquisitive.

“Carson,” I replied bitterly. “And he acted exactly like I said he would when he’d talk to me again.”

Megan’s face changed. Her eyebrows slightly lowered and her lips pursed. “Like I said, who?” she asked, her voice more snide. 

I chuckled, taking the first bite of my sandwich. “He didn’t even apologize for anything he did to us. Didn’t bother to say he’d put in an effort. He just wanted to say he was sorry for what he said about Nicole.”

“Wait, what did he say about Nicole?” she asked.

I paused. “Something about her looks. I can’t remember,” I lied. “It was a while ago, and I didn’t exactly bother to keep it in my memory banks.”

“Being a dick to women. Shocking,” Zelda noted, now back in this conversation.

Athena shook her head. “What a fucking shame,” she lamented. “How much do you want to bet he and Sabrina will be over by next September?”

“If that,” Megan added.

I kept eating. Part of me just wished I could have my friend back, but I realized that I didn’t even want current Carson back. Not after what he said, and not after what he did. I wanted an older version of Carson, one that didn’t exist anymore. And as long as that version of Carson didn’t exist, there was no point pining for him. I would have preferred to pine for something real.

…Huh. Guess I was really changing. Against Megan’s wishes, I kept reading up on stoicism. She rolled her eyes whenever I brought it up, but it honestly did help me out a lot.

Soon, the five-minute bell rang, and students began to get up from their lunch tables. Athena and Zelda gave us polite goodbyes, then quickly left. Megan and I lingered for a bit longer, eventually locking eyes and giving each other small smiles.

“My locker?” she offered. “I feel like you’re probably just going to fester and brood if you’re left alone for too long today,” she added humorously.

“That’s not even a joke, it’s just true,” I admitted.

“Hey,” she interjected, her mood dropping. Her free hand stroked my arm. “I’m sorry. It’s okay to hurt.”

“I’m not the only one hurting,” I pointed out, looking at her. “You never got to tell her-”

“I know,” she replied quickly, quietly yet with a powerful enough voice to cut me off. “I know. It’s going to… I’m going to be thinking about that for years, Adam. If not longer. But we all have regrets. What the heck are we going to do about them now? What would she have wanted you to do?”

I shrugged, not wanting to answer the question, and she accepted that. Before long, we were off, making our way towards Megan’s locker. She tried making small talk once or twice, and while I felt a bit guilty for giving answers like “mm, yeah” and “sure, I can see that,” I just didn’t have the energy to engage. 

One of the loveliest things about Megan was that she understood. She didn’t need to be told why I didn’t feel like replying. She just accepted it and moved on, and tried to be there. She was such a… such a friend.

I leaned on a locker near hers and watched her fiddle around with her stuff, until I heard an “excuse me” from behind me. 

I turned around to see some nerdy-looking timid girl. I lowered an eyebrow. Long black hair. “What?”

“You’re, um, leaning on my locker,” she replied.

I looked at the locker and, with a sigh, pushed myself off and got closer to Megan. “Sorry,” I tossed behind me.

“It’s okay… Adam,” she replied, going up to her locker.

I gave her a weird look, then remembered, oh yeah, I was the Student Council President. I guess people knew my name. “That’s my name, correct,” I responded, not knowing what else to say.

She shrugged. “Well, we met once before, so…”

I gave her an inquisitive look. “Um, sorry, I don’t remember.” I paused. “To be fair, it’s been a hell of a month.”

“I heard, I’m really sorry,” she replied quietly. “My name is S-Sophie.”

“Got it,” I replied, turning back to face Megan. “What are the odds of being in homeroom together for two semesters in a row? Crazy. Is she a friend of yours?”

“Um, no, we don’t talk much,” Megan replied awkwardly. Sophie eventually went away, and when she did, Megan just looked at the vacant spot where Sophie stood and sighed. “You could have been nicer.”

“Anyone could have been nicer to anyone,” I argued. “I’m just trying to get through the day, Megan.”

She was still looking off towards where Sophie was. “Maybe you should just start meeting girls again.”

My eye twitched. “And what, replace her?!” I asked, heat building up in my voice.

Megan slammed her locker. “No, you… you idiot,” she yelled back with just as much force. “Just live. That’s all I’m asking you to do, to live, to keep living. It might be a good distraction to meet new people, and remember that life is worth living.”

I laughed a very ‘wow, you went there’ laugh. “That’s a hell of a thing to say right now, Megan.”

“We have three overbooked counselors at the school right now because people have forgotten that, yes, life is worth living,” Megan shot back, turning to fully face me. “I’m not always going to coddle you, Adam. We’re all hurting here, but there comes a time when you accept that you’re hurting but you go on living. You don’t need to stop grieving, but you do need to make sure it doesn’t take over your entire life.”

“Megan, she was my entire life,” I seethed, my blood boiling, my eyes getting misty.

She didn’t back down. “Then that sounds like an even bigger reason to find other things that make life happy,” she replied. “You had a life before meeting her-”

“I really didn’t.”

“And there have been so many people who have managed to find happiness in their lives after things like this happened. I get it will take time, Adam, I get it, but you need to help it happen. Stop… stop refusing to live! Are you going to have a life after her or not?!”

“Well it’s either that or-”

“Don’t you dare,” she fumed.

I threw my hands up. “Whatever, whatever. I dunno what you want me to say. ‘I’m gonna wallow for a little more’? It sure sounds pathetic when I say it like that. So I guess you win today, Megan. I’m pathetic. I’m fucking pathetic. I’m worse than you. Is that what you wanted to hear?!”

Her expression turned from angry to sad. We did little more than stare at each other for the next ten seconds. “Maybe I’m rushing you, I’m sorry,” she eventually said. “If you need to take more time…”

I sighed. “Oh, come on, Megan, don’t guilt me like this, you know it’s going to work.”

“I’m not guilting, I’m trying to understand you,” she replied. 

“Normally you don’t put up a fight like this,” I observed. “You just go, ‘oh, Adam doesn’t feel like replying. That’s okay.’”

She got quiet for a bit. “It just… scares me when I see you rejecting what you used to love.”

I chuckled. “I used to love Sophie or whatever her name was?” I asked, pointing behind me.

“No, but you used to love being around people. You used to love being more social, and now you’re just… closed in.” She paused, and shook her head. “I’m just worried.”

“I know,” I replied, nodding. We paused, and I grabbed her hand and held it. “I’ll get there. I’ll become Adam again. But, uh… it might be a new Adam. I feel like you’ll understand that more than anyone.”

“Do I have permission to be more scared than anyone too?” she asked timidly, yet warmly, like we were sharing an inside joke.

One of the corners of my mouth lifted in a sly smile. “Permission granted,” I murmured, letting go of her hand after.

“How kind of you,” she sarcastically retorted, then looked around us. We were basically the only two left. “We’re going to be late for class.” 

“Yeah, possibly,” I admitted, getting the hint. “See ya!” I tossed behind me, walking towards chemistry class.

When I got there, Mr. Carrozza seemingly didn’t mind my late entry. The attendance was still on his desk, anyhow. That was very in-character for him. I nodded at him and breathed a silent prayer, finding my desk and sitting down.

Weirdly, despite this class being the most dense, I found I could focus on it a little bit better than business class or certainly health and wellness. Maybe it was because chemistry was harder that I found I could understand it a little bit easier. When I had to work for it, only then did I succeed.

Even so, Mr. Carrozza called me to his desk as soon as the work period began. He nervously started drumming over his desk with his fingertips as he looked over my past papers. “Young master Watson,” he began, his whisper dry as chalk. “I do have to say, I am rather… well, worried, I s’pose.” He looked over my last few tests. “I’m looking over these tests, and… not only do I see a bright young man who is not reaching his potential…” 

“Mr. Carrozza-”

“I can’t help this nagging feeling that, despite it all, you actually knew the answers, deep in your head,” he concluded, pointing erratically to his own head. “Now, I can’t prove it, of course, but, well… Needless to say, if perhaps you needed more time…”

I sighed. “Mr. Carrozza, I just have had a lot on my mind these last few weeks. Ms. Dewitt has said that perhaps I should have stayed out of classes for more than a few days.”

“Yes yes, quite so,” Mr. Carrozza said dismissively. “Nevertheless, now that you are… within these walls… yes? Perhaps we could talk strategy, hm? Now, what can we both do to ensure that you have the best mental faculties available to you? The final is in a few days!”

I stared at him for a bit. Christ, this guy just didn’t get it. “Tell you what,” I told him, pretending to humor him. “Why don’t I go into the hallway and think about it for a bit?”

“Well, I s’pose, if that’s what you need, yes yes, quite…” Mr. Carrozza babbled to himself. His voice got quieter and quieter, fading away as I walked out of the chemistry class and shut the door. My back hit the cool concrete of the school wall, and I shut my eyes and sighed.

I used to do this a lot more in the early days. When teachers were too much, I’d find every reason to come into the hallways and just… exist. As quietly as possible. It was getting rarer these days, which I suppose was progress, but even still, every now and then I just needed a break. I didn’t expect anyone else to understand.

“Hey,” a voice broke me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes quickly to see Morgan standing there, looking at me with a slightly upset expression.

“Didn’t hear you leave class,” I mumbled, getting up off the wall. “What do you need?”

“I don’t need anything,” she replied. “I just see you coming out to the hallways every so often. I wanted to ask if you needed anything.”

I opened my mouth, but just closed it. Shrugging, I replied, “What I need, not even God can give me.”

Morgan gave me a perhaps playful weirded out expression. “Oh, so you come out here to, like, get poetic?”

I shrugged again. “Sure.”

“Sorry,” she immediately added. “I was trying to be funny. It didn’t work. I get it, though. I remember what you told me at the party. But I – is it okay if I give you some advice?”

I rolled my eyes, then shook my head. “Sorry, that was mean,” I mumbled.

“I think I did the same to you once. We’re even,” Morgan’s flat voice replied.

“Uh, go ahead. I’ve probably heard it before, though,” I honestly replied.

“I know it really – okay, I don’t know, but I can understand that it really hurts losing a girl when you did something to hurt her and you never really recovered,” she boldly began.

My facial expression made her stop. I slowly but emphatically shook my head. “You don’t know that,” I darkly told her. “You just assumed that. Nicole and I were doing better than ever. We were…” I got choked up. “We… she said…” The tears were coming.

“Oh, wow. Um, okay. Hey, I’m sorry,” Morgan fumbled, not knowing what to do with her hands seeing me get more and more upset. “I am not doing good with this. Um… look, I was just going to say, I remember what you said to me at the party. About meeting someone worth feeling that way eventually. I… I just wanted to say…” She looked pretty emotional too, though she was nowhere near tears. “Everyone wanted to be a part of Nicole’s world, and… and I bet she was so lucky to find someone worth feeling that way. Some people, like, search their whole lives for that shit. I know – fuck, I understand feeling angry that you didn’t get more time together, but…” Morgan groaned to herself and hit a nearby locker. “You made her life better. Think of how many other lives you’re gonna make better. Alright? That’s all. I’m sorry.” 

She started to walk back towards the class and saw me hold out an arm. She paused, then stopped, standing in front of me, even though I didn’t say anything for the longest time. Eventually, I raised my head. “There are so many people that feel like they need to tell me something right now,” I began. “People just know me as that one guy Nicole was around a lot. And now, everyone – and I mean everyone, it’s been, like, multiple people, today alone – feel like they need to tell me something they clearly just wish they could tell her or something.”

Morgan shook her head. “I wanted to talk to you. I can’t say something to Nicole now, but I can say something to you, and maybe you’re holding it in really well, but… look at you.”

“Look at me,” I repeated with no energy, looking myself over. 

We paused, and she leaned against the wall, next to me, slowly starting to talk. “Do… do you ever think, like, it’s sometimes easier to say things to people you don’t know well? Like, ‘fuck, this person doesn’t know me well, I may as well get this thing off my chest, because, like, it would take more context to tell people who know me, or they could even judge me’ or something?”

I considered her words, then slowly nodded. “Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense.”

“Is there anything you wanna say?” she offered. “I get I’m basically like a stranger.”

“Kinda strange how we made out and yet you’re saying I’m a stranger,” I noted.

She paused. “I kinda forgot that happened,” she admitted, then scrunched her face slightly. “Sorry… not like… I mean…”

I waved her off. “It’s cool,” I replied. “It was really kind of you to offer.”

She was silent for a bit. “If you wanna tell me something, I’m good to listen. If you want me to fuck back off to chemistry, I’m going.”

I paused again. I did have something to say, but it took a lot of energy. I sighed shakily. “Why…” I began clumsily. “Why did it have to be Nicole? Why couldn’t it have been some fucking sicko on the streets? Why did it have to be her?”

I blinked through the tears, and looked up to give Morgan giving me something rare – a visible expression. A sorrowful gaze; a sympathetic almost knowing gaze. She said nothing. 

I closed my eyes, then ran forward and slammed on the locker in front of me. Words just came out of me. “I want some answers, and I want ‘em now!”

There was no way chem class, let alone the rest of the school, didn’t hear my scream. I didn’t care if what I was saying was cheesy. I remained at the locker for a bit and turned around. “Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be when everything was getting better? Why does it seem like no one but me actually gives a shit about her?”

“Adam, no one here probably knew her like you did,” she replied. “If my mom died tomorrow, how much would you feel about her? I get it, she was your world. We just lived in her world. Like, do you want some tough words right now? You’re probably going to be alone a lot while you get through this.” 

Once again, silence pooled around us. “And I’m really sorry,” she added. “Like, I’m so fucking sorry. I know I’m barely anyone to you, but like, if I could do anything to make any of this better, I would. And, like, actually. If you think of something… you have my number still.”

I held up my phone. “I got a new phone,” I told her. “It sucks at texting.”

She nodded, getting it immediately. “Sounds peaceful,” she replied. 

“Hey, you’re the first one to actually get it,” I replied.

She emitted a near-silent chuckle, her still expression not changing. “I thought about it once or twice myself,” she admitted. “Well, then… come and find me. If you need.”

“I thought we were strangers,” I told her. “Why are you offering this?”

“Because, first of all, you’re hurting really badly. That’s good enough,” she replied flatly. “Second, you were nice at the party, and I like how, like, to-the-point you were. You’re blunt. People don’t like blunt. And, like, I’m blunt. Just because some stupid shit happened doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget that. It sucks that this shit happened the way it did, but it’s like, insult to injury that an actually nice guy is hurting because of it.”

“I’m not looking for anyone to pity date me right now,” I replied dismissively.

Another expression, disdain mixed with confusion, clouded her face. “That’s not what I’m offering,” she replied with a sour tone. “I still don’t see you like that. I’m offering to be a friend. You remember friends, don’t you?”

“Barely,” I replied.

“Ooh, edgy,” she retorted, holding up her hands, then just stood there, leaning against the wall, looking at me.

“Thanks,” I eventually told her. “I’m not going to immediately take you up on it though.”

She nodded. “No problem, and you don’t have to,” she told me. “I’m going back to class. If Carrozza asks if I saw you, I’ll say you were on your way to the bathroom.” She didn’t wait for me to reply, and walked back into the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 

It shouldn’t have been Nicole. It should have been someone else. Anyone else. Even if it was me, that would have been better. Everyone around me was now hurting, all because of this. And Megan, even Megan, sweet trusting understanding Megan, just wanted the pain to just go away. It was like I could just flip a switch and heal, as if talking to more people was just going to magically change that.

Even if I could magically heal, I wouldn’t want to anyways. Why the fuck would I even want to let go of this pain? The pain was the last link to her. The pain I was feeling was all that was left of what I had lost, what we all had lost. I couldn’t help but remember that time, last year, when Nicole was up in the church, talking about how she didn’t cry anymore when she visited her brother’s gravestone. She was scared of it not hurting anymore. I didn’t even get it at the time, but now I think I did. The day I felt no more pain when thinking of her was going to be the day that Nicole would truly leave me, or more accurately, the day I’d leave Nicole. I wasn’t ready to ever leave her.

After a few more minutes standing around, I rejoined chemistry class and just waited it out. No one said anything more to me. As far as I knew, even Morgan didn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of the class, although that may have just been a kindness on her part. I wasn’t sure. She was kind of hard to read. Did I want her to be my friend…? I wasn’t sure. Luckily, I didn’t have to decide immediately. 

I couldn’t throw stones in the ‘no eye contact’ department. Business class was basically one giant ‘don’t look at Carson’ exercise, and today was the big test. Hell, if the dude had any common sense, he would have approached me during the class’ work period, when I would have had no choice but to listen to his bullshit.

The class was like all the rest: dumb. Pointless. Empty. Meaningless. Whatever you wanted to call it. Zelda made it a bit more bearable, but it was kind of clear that Zelda wasn’t as prepared to deal with this kind of stuff (or, heck, as prepared to deal with me) as Megan was. Hell, once or twice I almost wished she’d speak up and put me in my place. I pushed back against Megan, but it was nice to get a kick in the pants and be told I’m fucking up every so often. At least being angry made me feel alive. Being bored made me feel like I was just walking the line between present and not, and I was already getting enough of that shit. 

All too soon and yet a million years later, the bell rang, and when it did, I failed the test, big time. Not only did Carson and I lock eyes, but neither one of us looked away for the longest time. Even as students filed out between us, occasionally slipping between our lines of sight, neither one of us looked away. Eventually, Carson shrugged and gave me some kind of expression, and slung his backpack over his back, walking away.

I felt Zelda’s supportive hand on my shoulder. “Hey, you okay? Are you having one of those dissasso – disso – dissociations?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m fine,” I replied in a low voice. I turned to her and saw her give me one of her trademark serious expressions. “Carson looked at me,” I explained. “And I tried not to look at him, but…”

“He’s just a dick. So what if you looked at him? You shouldn’t care what he thinks,” Zelda replied. “You have friends that care about you, you should focus on them, right?”

I shrugged. I never wanted to tell the girls – fuck, some days I even fooled myself – but of course I cared what Carson thought. I cared a lot. When I locked eyes with him, I didn’t see an enemy, I saw into his soul and saw an old friend. And yeah, maybe that friend didn’t exist anymore, but God damn did I miss him. And, to be blunt, I was getting sick of missing old friends that no longer existed.

Zelda looked at me for a bit. “Okay, you don’t have to answer that,” she replied with a slight huff and an eye roll.

“I’m hurting, Zelda,” I told her angrily. “Give me space here.”

“Mhm,” she replied lazily, grabbing her stuff and walking out of the room. I’m glad Megan didn’t end up with you, I bitterly thought to myself, watching her leave. I grabbed my bag, then realized – Megan. The Council. It was a Monday. Fuck.

I wanted to just yell. Scream out loud or something. It could have been therapeutic. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time, or the patience for whatever line of questioning that would come from people that barely knew me, let alone Nicole. So I did what I always did – kept quiet, kept to myself, and walked to the next room. Along the way, one or two people stopped me to say something, but at this point, I had perfected the patient smile of acknowledgement. It was good enough to fool them, and that’s all I wanted.

Once again, I was the last one at the Council, but hey, I made it within a minute of the expected time of the meeting start. Plus, after recent events, the tone had visibly shifted around the Council. “Sorry I’m late, everyone,” I said in a flat emotionless voice as I powerwalked up to the desk.

“No worries, bro. Go at your own pace,” Eugene said supportively.

“Take as long as you want,” Daniela added.

I gave them a muted smile in acknowledgement, then opened up my docket. “Okay, let’s see… first things first, Treasurer report is due in two weeks, how’re we doing on that?”

Dave took over the Treasurer duties ever since Sydney resigned. “Finally got a hold on Syd,’” he reported. “We’re all good.”

“She gave you the numbers? It’s on track to be submitted next week?” I asked, surprised. I guess this was a reason why the guy was so confident he could boss me around for a bit – he was damn good at what he did. He flashed me a thumbs-up in response. “Wow, uh… nice work,” I replied lamely. 

I went over item after item on the docket, and a very quiet, unenthusiastic and almost nervous Council responded to them diligently and in an orderly fashion. Not at all like how they would have if Nicole was the one leading the Council. It was almost fascinating how alive and unified they were under her leadership and yet, here I was, barely able to get them to say a full sentence. Maybe the others were right, maybe I should have just stepped down.

No one looked more nervous and out of place than Megan though. Every time she was in Room 203, she looked like she hated every second of it, like the energy was sucked out of her. To be honest, I was surprised that she hadn’t resigned from being next year’s School Spirit rep yet, and if I was a betting man, I’d say she would within the summer. 

Jarrod was certainly trying to best Megan for the title of ‘looking the most out of place’ though. It was almost like he wasn’t sad, but more so… confused. Like he didn’t actually get it.

And hey, at least he was the most honest person in the whole Council for that.

I flipped through the docket once everything had been acknowledged and handled. “Okay, that looks like the whole docket,” I said absent-mindedly. “Uh, meeting over.”

No one moved, except for Dave, who slowly raised a hand into the air. I didn’t consciously notice it for a few seconds, and my eyes fluttered back to the docket before realizing his hand was for me. “Oh, sorry. Dave?”

“Any other business…?” he reminded me in a noncommittal, gentle voice.

“Oh, right, sorry. Does anyone have any other business?” I asked the room at large. 

“It’s not huge, but someone did something again to Nicole’s picture,” Daniela reported.

“Did something?” I asked.

“Defaced,” Dave explained. “Janitorial staff and Scott were notified.”

“Oh,” I replied, not knowing what to say beyond that. “Um, I don’t know what I can do about that at this point. The best thing to do is… yeah, let the janitors and Scott know.”

“Not expecting anything. Just want to keep the Prez in the loop,” Dave explained. 

I was silent for a minute, then sat down on top of the desk. “Yeah. You all are doing a good job keeping me informed,” I began. “I’m really sorry that I gave that big speech then immediately ran out of energy. I feel like I’ve kind of let you all down.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Megan spoke up for the first time all meeting. “You’re not letting any of us down. All of us know what you’re going through and all of us are letting you have your space. It’s okay to not be good at everything right now, Adam.”

I looked around the room. Everyone except Jarrod and Dave were looking at me and giving me some version of a nod. Jarrod was looking out the window, not bothering to pretend to pay attention, and Dave was gazing down at the floor bitterly. 

“Yeah, I guess,” I replied quietly. “Anyways, thanks for the report. Meeting’s over. If you want to get out of here… uh, yeah. You can.” A second or so passed before slowly, the Council members got up to get their stuff. The atmosphere was, poetically, dead. It seemed almost like Nicole took the importance of Council to the school, and to the Council itself, with her. Maybe from this point on, the Council would just go back to being a glorified popularity contest full of weirdos to meet once a week and talk about how much better they were before begrudgingly printing a few posters and organizing a school dance or something. 

Most of the Council members left, even Megan. Only halfway into everyone else leaving, Jarrod woke up and started to get his stuff too. Once the others left, I decided to open my mouth. “Are you thinking of being the tenth grade rep next year?”

He froze in place, almost startled by my question. “Uh, I’m still thinking about it,” he timidly replied. “But, to tell you the truth, probably not.”

I nodded. “That’s probably a good decision,” I told him flatly.

He scoffed. “You’re not even going to bother pretending you’re going to miss me, or that I would have done a good job or something?” he asked.

I shrugged. “There’s very little to miss, and I wouldn’t have enjoyed lying to you,” I bluntly told him.

“The fuck is with this group?” he asked angrily. “I didn’t do anything to sabotage or ruin this group or whatever but you all act like I’m this annoying brat who made life hell for all of you.”

I looked directly at him and sat back on the desk. “Like it or not, this Council is – or at least, was – a place where people go to do work,” I told him. “Maybe you weren’t prepared for that, or maybe you thought the level of commitment would be lower, but here we are. And this has been, as you may have noticed, a shit year for the Council. I’m just being honest.”

Jarrod frowned and shook his head at me. “You’re just being a bitch because your girlfriend – oh wait, ex-girlfriend, ‘cause she dumped your ass – is dead.”

My expression didn’t change in the slightest. I simply cocked my head to the side. “I can’t imagine why the people on the Council didn’t like you this year,” I told him. “You’re just so charming and thoughtful and caring.”

“And you’re just such a good leader, and you always cared so much about me, and-”

“Dude, it’s not a competition,” I cut him off with zero effort. “I was just saying it was a good idea because your attention was out the window for literally the whole Council meeting. That’s it. That’s all. And when I pointed that out, you thought about taking a cheap shot at the literal dead President you shared your first time with.” Against my intentions, emotions were coming. Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes. “Like, you and her shared that moment, and probably many others. She meant that much to you. And now when this shit has happened, you treat her like that, all to try to make me mad when you think I’m trying to belittle you, even though I’m just acknowledging how bored you are? IS that where we’re fucking at, Jarrod? Is that the kind of person you are?”

“I’m the kind of person who – fuck you, I’m the kind of person who has been treated like shit all year-”

I lunged forward and grabbed the little shit by his collar. “H-hey!” he called out, his anger evaporating into fear.

“Look around you, shit for brains,” I seethed. “You’ve been treated like shit all year? You had things fucking easy. Maybe stop and think about how the stupid little do-nothing freshman wasn’t in fact the main character the whole time. This whole school is hurting for someone they barely knew. You knew her better than a lot of the students here and you don’t even care.”

“I do care!” Jarrod yelled, a mixture of fear, pain, and anger tainting his voice. He clawed at the hand holding him by his collar, to no avail. “I do care!”

“You care about how it affected you, you fucking worm,” I growled back. “And nothing else. People don’t just randomly hate people, you know. You may think you got targeted because you were the young guy, but news flash, you’re talking to last year’s Grade Nine Rep. Anytime they disliked me, I earned that shit. Anytime they disliked Megan, she earned that shit. If the whole Council dislikes you, what do you think happened?”

“Let go of me,” he cried.

“Finish the sentence and I will,” I told him.

“Ugh, you’re such a dick,” he complained. “You want me to say I earned that shit. Happy?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re so immature,” I commented, releasing my grip on his collar. “If you can’t see it now, maybe you will in a few years. You’re either going to grow up and realize what a worm you were, or you’re just going to grow up and be a large worm. Your choice. Go ahead, think about how unfair the Council was to you and how persecuted poor little Jarrod was. Talk to your friends about how awful it was. Complain to me, the guy who actually nearly got mutinied for their age, about how horrible it is to be mistreated for your age. Talk about how you’re the one Council treated unfairly when Nicole took her own fucking life. Fuck, shit, why do we even have a fucking picture of Nicole out there? It really should just be a picture of you, dude! It should be a picture of Poor Jarrod!”

“I’m just trying to get through school, same as you, dickhead!” he yelled back. “If you’re so fucking mad I’m not as sad as you about Nicole, maybe it’s because I could tell pretty early on what a manipulative fucking woman she is!”

Full of petty energy, I laughed in his face. “Yeah, sure, but then you had zero fucking problems about having sex with her and then trying to brag about it afterwards, Captain Small Dick,” I roared. “You sure showed that female who’s boss, didn’t you? You sure have a nose for rotten apples, dude. You’re such a fuckin’ alpha, talking shit about girls that have been dead for two weeks and not bothering to do work. Such a fuckin’ man, dude.”

Jarrod continued to shake his head at me. “What the fuck do you want me to say?” he asked angrily. “Yeah, okay, I’m sad she’s gone. I’m… I’m sad about-”

“You don’t look sad at all,” I pointed out disappointedly.

“Does that mean I’m not sad?” he asked. “Dumbass. And yeah, I’m not really feeling it like the other people here, and if you want me being honest, that’s fucking weird. Like, I feel like I should be sad, but I’m just not. And I honestly think it’s because she kept pulling me closer then shitting all over me when my guard was down. I’m not happy she’s dead, but I’m happy she’s gone. There. There you go, I was honest. And I won’t try out for your precious fucking club next year. Congrats on your stupid victory. This fucking Council would be lucky if you even saw me next week. You’re a shitty President and you’re a bad fuckin’ person,” he huffed and, determined to have the last word, practically ran like a cartoon character out of Room 203. 

Maybe someday he’d remember what I said to him and use it to improve as a person… and maybe he wouldn’t. It’s not like I had any control on whatever he did from here on out, so I was content to watch him run out, no doubt smugly thinking about how he got the last word. Was I that bad last year? Hell, maybe I needed a guy like Phil.

Christ. Did Phil know about Nicole? Or Paul, or even that one other friend she was talking to? I trudged over to a wall, looked at it for a second, and punched it. They had to know. Nicole was the world. Nicole was my fucking world. Now my fucking world was gone.

My body went limp. I could barely still stand. My head hung, the tears streaming down my face and landing on the floor. If I was making any sound, it was ringing silent in my ears. This wasn’t fair. I wanted my world back. And fuck, Nicole deserved to be back. Even if I never saw her again. She was going places. She was one in a million. No, more. One in a billion. She was going to be the world’s best cinematographer. A famous astrophysicist. The first female president of the United States. Hell, all three. At once! She had to come back. She deserved it. The world needed it.

There wasn’t just a hole in my heart. My heart was a fucking hole. Megan could support me, people could keep bothering me with their thoughts, but at the end of the day, I think one thing had become clear, and I was just denying it to myself with a louder and louder voice. This was a murder-suicide. Nicole wasn’t the only one to die. Nicole had taken me with her. I was dead, the same as her, but I was just keeping the shell of Adam alive.

And for what?

The halls of Hazelwood felt so fucking empty. They normally were quite empty this time of day after most of the buses had gone, but now it just felt like the emptiness was somehow an insult to me specifically. The late bus wasn’t going to be here for a while, so I just decided to walk throughout the hallways. Occasionally I’d pass by a janitor, but the only one who said anything to me was the one cleaning something someone wrote in marker on Nicole’s display.

“Hey pal,” he said. “Sucks some kids can be so mean, huh?”

“No kidding,” I murmured, walking past. It was odd – I was in her position. Fully. I was the President she once was. And yet, even though she walked these halls like she owned the place, I walked down the same halls feeling like some kind of alien or outsider, like I didn’t belong here. At Hazelwood, or even… here. Period.

Life can change at the drop of a hat. Two weeks ago, especially after she finally told me she loved me, I would have walked through these hallways feeling like I owned them too. I had made it. I had it all. And then… whoosh. Life happened. How fucking amazing was that.

I stared at Scott’s office as I walked past it. The guy did his best, but… he wasn’t a miracle worker. I honestly couldn’t blame him for barely speaking to me after Nicole’s passing. Much like her parents, what the fuck was he even going to say? The guy was clumsy – lovably clumsy, but clumsy nonetheless – at talking about her when she was still alive. He had nothing to say now, and he knew it. And hell, with the way every student approached me, maybe him keeping his distance from me was him respecting me. I never thought about it like that. If that’s what he did, then he was, as always, the good guy here. 

Eventually, the time had come, and I slunk through the hallways and out the school again, ready to take the late bus and go home. I slunk outside, walking up to the bus, smiling emptily at the bus driver, taking my seat. Nothing mattered.

Eventually, I was dropped off a few blocks from my house, but I didn’t go in that direction. Instead, I walked in the opposite direction, towards a little shop I know. Flowers were out of season, if only just, so I didn’t see any yet that I could… well, steal. So I had to do things the ethical way. 

When I walked in, a little bell rang and a little old lady stood up behind the counter. “Well hello there, young man! What can I do for you today?”

Morgan was right on some level; you can be more honest with a stranger if you wanted to pour your heart out. But she was also wrong. Because this lady was a stranger, and a kind-looking one to boot, my smile wasn’t muted and empty like with everyone else. I did my best to make it genuine. “Hello!” I replied with energy. “Could I please buy a single rose?”

The old lady nodded. “A single rose, certainly!” She paused. “We’re used to doing bigger orders normally, bulk orders, if you will, but we do have a few extra in stock, so I can definitely make an exception for you here.”

“Thank you very much,” I replied. “I don’t know what I would have done if you were sold out.”

The old lady’s face disappeared behind some shelves, but when she heard me say that, her face reappeared, displaying a knowing grin. “Ah, the flower is for someone special, is it?”

“The most special,” I replied with a nod. “The girl of my dreams. The love of my life.”

“Ah, that’s just lovely,” she said lovingly. “You hold on to those feelings, young man, do you hear me? That kind of love is so important to hold on to.”

My resolve nearly broke. “I completely agree,” I told her, trying to even out my breathing and keep up the smile. 

“Now, as I said, we’re used to doing bulk orders here, so I hope the price isn’t too outside your range, but I’ll need to sell this rose to you for… fourteen ninety-five, is that all right?”

It definitely was more than I was expecting, but no price was too much. Did Nicole seriously do that every week for her brother? “Of course, no worries at all. On debit, please.”

I swiftly paid, received my flower (to be fair, it was tastefully wrapped and done up all pretty, making the price somewhat defensible) and left the store, setting out in the direction of my house again. Once I had gotten to my house though, I passed it, as well as Nicole’s house, with the ‘For Sale’ sign taunting me with every second it remained in my view. 

I couldn’t help but remember the first time I had curiously taken this route. The way I saw Nicole holding a flower on a snowy day, the way I followed behind her, having no clue what I was in for. The way my heart sank when I realized she was heading to a graveyard, not because I thought she was in trouble, but because my heart hurt with her. I suppose this situation wasn’t all that different. 

It was almost difficult to take in the sight when the graveyard first appeared. Apart from the funeral itself, I hadn’t actually gone to the graveyard yet. I wondered if Nicole would have been mad at me for that… 

No. No, she understood. Even her last words… fuck, her last words ever… were directly to me, reassuring me that she loved me. It was unconditional. It wasn’t just something she frivolously said. She loved me, and she meant it with every bone in her body. I hoped she knew that it was never, ever going to be a one-way street, and that I would never stop loving her too.

But in case she’d ever have any doubts, here I was. I stopped before reaching the gate of the graveyard, and closed my eyes slowly. Holding the rose close to my chest, I inhaled and counted to three, then took the step inside. I was here. Once I opened my eyes, I made eye contact with the abandoned church, then shuddered and looked away. When the authorities found Nicole, one of the first things they did was condemn that church. It was going to be torn down in the next month. As far as I was concerned, good riddance. I was never going to want to go back in there again anyway. 

My energy returned to me as I walked. I went from a zombie to a person with purpose again, as if being near her filled me with meaning. I almost smiled when I saw her gravestone – next to Mitch’s. It was sweet. I bet she really appreciated that. His gravestone was closer to me, so I gave him a polite courtesy smile first, but then turned my attention to the real reason I was here.

I hid my rose behind my back, walking slowly up to the grave. I cleared my throat. “Hey,” I softly began. “Hope you’re doing okay, Nicole. Sweetheart. Darling. Love of my life. I hope you’re having a good time up there, beating all the Arkham games or solving P vs NP or whatever. I’ve been dreaming about you… maybe you know about that. Hell, I bet you’re causing it. Talking to me. Well, I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you too.”

I held my hands forward, revealing the rose. Memories of the last time I saw her alive filled my head. The way her face broke when I told her how much I loved the nickname ‘squirt.’ I bet if she had a face right now, she’d get all misty-eyed at seeing the rose. I smiled at the thought. “I knew you’d like it,” I told her softly, laying the rose at the foot of her grave. 

I sat down, laying next to her, taking in the experience. It felt right. I was nervous coming here, but now I knew, I’d be coming here a lot more often. There was zero difference between this and going to her house after she was booted from the Council, except for the cost of the roses. I was either going to have to find a job, or ask her if she needed a flower every time. But asking that the first time was going to be tasteless. I’d save that for week two or three.

“So,” I began. I wouldn’t stop talking for the next half hour. “You’ll never guess what Carson said…”

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