It started with the worst thing that could have ever happened in my hitherto boring life: I got caught jacking off by my sister and her best friend.
It was like a bomb went off in my house. Thank fuck our mom wasn’t home to hear the aftermath; my sister’s screeches could probably have been heard by the neighbors.
“Ew! Fuckin’ ew!” she bellowed.
Kelsea, of course, was loving this. Her rich laugh rang throughout the halls, complementing every screech my sister made. I was still hiding in my room, with my beet-red face and my quaking skinny legs, but I was of course listening with my ear pressed against the closed door.
“Calm down,” Kelsea laughed. “He’s sixteen, Jess. It-”
“In the fucking living room?!” Jess screamed back at her, then lowered her voice. “And this is just the time we caught him! How many times has the fuckin’ creep been whacking off in there before?!”
Two, if she had to know, and every time it was because she told me-
“You did tell him you’d be home at seven,” Kelsea gently reminded her with a humorous lilt still present in her voice.
“Oh so that gives him carte blanche to just strip naked and do whatever he wants wherever he wants?? How the hell are you defending him like this, Kels?!”
“I mean, I just think this is funny, I don’t really care,” Kelsea replied coolly. “Sure, it’s weird, but it’s weird for him too, right? And he wasn’t stripped naked, he-”
“I know, Kels. Thanks,” Jess screeched. “Godddd, I need my brain deep-scrubbed, now!”
From that point onward, their voices lowered and I could no longer hear them. I didn’t even know what to do, so I paced around my room with my face in my hands. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Holy shit, I couldn’t believe I fucked up this bad.
I mean, what teenage boy didn’t want to jack off in the living room when no one was home? It was, like, primal or something. I wasn’t being a creep, but I was just being… I was being horny. Hang me if you like, Governor. I was only being human.
Eventually, the power of shame died down and I just opened my laptop, closed the porn tabs I had open from the last time I hastily slammed the screen down, and sighed to myself. Stupid. What else could I do though? I just shook my head and figured that homework could wait; I needed to just feel good about something instead of be productive. It was Runescape time.
I was only a few inventory loads of yew logs in when I got a Discord notification on the corner of my screen.
how ya holdin up bud
I didn’t recognize the username of the person who sent it. No mutual friends. No prior messages. And yet… I had them added? I – oh. Stupid. It was Kelsea. I stared at the message and felt the pink creep back onto my face. It probably matched well with my red hair. Plus, my sister and I blushed so easily, just like our parents. It was a running joke that we were permanently pink, though after this event, that possibility was looking more and more true by the day.
I couldn’t reply. I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t know what to say to her. Especially since Kelsea was the most… fucking attractive girl I’d seen in my life. Maybe others would disagree, but I knew how I felt. Hell, I tried to deny it for over a full year now, and I just couldn’t. I knew she didn’t know – I was used to hiding my crushes on girls – but god damn if this one wasn’t different. Kelsea wasn’t just a girl I had a crush on… she was the girl I had a crush on.
I left the message be. Ignored. And hey, whatever. It was Discord, no read receipts – it wasn’t like she would know if I ignored it. I probably was stupid for ever sending her the friend request in the first place – it was probably the closest I had ever come to making her realize I had a crush on her. And this, fucking this, was the sole result. One message after like six months of being Discord friends, and it was essentially, “hey dude, how are you feeling about how me and your literal sister saw your cock?” Terrible, thanks for asking. Terrible in two uniquely different ways, in fact. Thanks for asking. It sucked. Thanks for… fuckin’ asking.
Even getting my Firemaking level to 93 didn’t cheer me up, though it was cool I finally got it. Halfway there, baby. I twirled a finger in the air sarcastically in celebration. At least there was one positive part of today.
With my finger in mid-twirl, a knock at the door rudely reminded me a world existed outside my bedroom. My finger froze and my head turned to the door. Three guesses who that could be. I sighed and got up, steeling myself for the “seriously, do you understand how weird this was” speech from Jess. I stood up, trudged over to the door, put my hand on the doorknob, and just nodded sadly to the floor before opening it, ready to face my doom.
My doom did not come in the form of a condescending redhead. Instead, I was face-to-face with Kelsea’s big brown eyes, which were full of humor yet garnished with empathy. She had such a playful mischievous face normally, with her slightly upturned nose and dimples and slight overbite. This time though, it was clear she put that normal face on the backburner, even if remnants of playfulness were peeking through.
“What can I do for you?” I asked flatly.
“How’s Runescape?” she quipped, folding her arms and leaning against the doorframe.
I gave her a confused expression.
“Discord integration, dummy,” she noted with a lightheartedly playful tone.
“Oh. It’s, uh, fine,” I replied. “Anything else?”
Kelsea’s playfulness faded on her face. “Not if talking about it wouldn’t help.”
“Look, I’m sorry, okay? It was stupid and I feel awful. I would really rather we not talk about it. Go… go help Jess get over it or something.”
“We both know Jess ain’t getting over it for a loooong time, my dude,” Kelsea said, getting up from her leaning stance. She was short and kind of chubby – the kind that gave her really hot curves. When she got up, her blonde ponytail danced behind her. I knew her since she was taller than me, but now she was so short, she had to look up to look me in the eyes. And admittedly, she was way better at doing that right now than I was. “But I bet this sucked for you too, and I wanted to… Iunno, clear the air.”
I paused. Her expressive eyebrows were twisted a little upwards in concern. It almost hurt seeing her like that… almost as much as it hurt knowing the hugest crush of my life just saw my cock in the worst possible way. And so did my relative. “Well, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
She shrugged. “You didn’t exactly bomb a country either. I get it. I, uh, got caught by my dad once.”
“Oh, rough,” I replied. “Was it weird after?”
“A hundred percent,” she replied. “So I know what it’s like. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t actually see anything except what was, uh, on your screen. I bet Jess didn’t see either.”
“I dunno if that’s better. Now you both have seen what I… uh… use,” I awkwardly pointed out.
Kelsea smiled. “Is telling me that making yourself feel better?”
I chuckled nervously. “I, uh – no?” I managed. “But I’m not… good at… that. I’m not trying to make myself feel better. I fucked up. I-”
“Austin,” Kelsea cut in, using her sternest voice I’d heard since this whole thing began. “You’re spiralling, my guy. Who’s this helping? I told you it wasn’t a big deal for me.”
“It’s a huge deal for me!” I countered.
“And so, here I am,” she countered, gesturing to where she stood. “Do me a favor. Tell me, right now, even if you don’t believe it, that it’s not a big deal.”
“Kel-”
“When we play by your rules, you spiral. Let me have this,” she told me seriously, then smiled. “I’m trying to help you, dude.”
I sighed, walking around in a small circle. “Are you gonna leave before I-”
“Nope.” Her smile got bigger.
I sighed noisily, then looked her in the eye, feeling my blush permeate my entire body. “It’s… not a big deal,” I managed.
“Good,” she said with a triumphant smile, then looked behind me at my computer. “Firemaking level?”
I couldn’t help but give her a chuckle. “Uh, ninety-three.”
Her eyebrows went up. “Nice,” she replied, holding up a fist for me to bump. As I bumped it, she continued, “I haven’t played in years. Maybe I should pick it up again. If I do, I’ll let you know.”
“Just because you wanna help me feel better doesn’t mean you need to play with me out of pity,” I replied.
“And just because I caught you choking the chicken doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy gaming with you,” she replied. “Like, sure, you’re not an idiot: of course that’s part of it. But also… Why not?”
“Why not?” I repeated with incredulity.
“Why not?” she asked again, smiling. “I’ll let you know if I do. Jess has mostly calmed down.” She turned to walk away, then turned back. “You’re welcome.”
I sighed. “Thanks.”
That was good enough for her, and she walked away. Her thick ass practically stretched her jeans and I couldn’t help watching it as she walked off.
Stupid. How embarrassing. Any other day I would have loved this, but now, it was somehow worse than her not talking to me at all. Stupid.
***
You know what movies get wrong about school? They act like there’s always the Next Big Event that’s going to transform lives and make kids into the next generation’s rockstars or sports legends or something. Maybe that did happen in the bigger schools, or to the more popular students, but that just meant that becoming a somebody was reserved for the people that were already Somebodies in the first place. Going to school in a sleepy suburban town was a death sentence. Being a nobody within that school was a double death sentence with death cream on top.
And Hazelwood High may have had its more famous moments, but ever since the Double Down incident a decade or so back, it seemed like Hazelwood’s largest exports were nothing but the same brand of trouble on repeat. HH was famous for two things: sad shit and the occasional teacher getting fired. It was a hell of a legacy. Honestly, there were probably worse things to be than a nobody. It was probably worse to be Hazelwood famous.
School was simultaneously the biggest part of my day and the most irrelevant. For seven hours a day, I sit down and shut up, watching several people I knew since kindergarten fail to accomplish either of those two things, while trying to learn the difference between a graph where x was squared versus cubed. I know it was cliche and edgy to compare school to prison, but it wasn’t even like prison. At least in prison you know what you’re there for. School was like a prison where you were tried for the crime of not having control of your life yet. We were all just sitting here waiting for our lives to actually begin.
Maybe that was why so many students wanted to believe in the Next Big Event that would make somebodies out of them. As for me… whatever. I was just happy to go home at the end of the day.
I think that’s what made the incident suck. For most people, getting caught jacking off means that things are a little awkward at home for a bit… but when I was at home, I was allowed to be myself. It was the only place I could actually be myself. But now, this incident loomed like a storm cloud over my head… and despite Kelsea’s insistence, it was quite clear that Jess would have agreed with my assessment of the situation.
That much was clear the next day when I came home. Jess normally gave me some kind of lukewarm acknowledgement when she came home, but now, she avoided looking me in the eye and just pretended I didn’t exist. Me and Jess didn’t exactly spend hours together before that, but still. I was guilty in my own home whenever my own sister was around, which basically meant I was guilty in my own life.
So of course I was spending more and more time alone in my room. Hey, Jess got her wish, but… I was allowed to think of myself too, right?
What about me?
Then again, I bet more and more people were like me. It felt like people were forgetting how to be people in the real world, and so they defaulted to only actually being people in their bedrooms. Leave your bedroom and the mask goes on. Hello World, I Am Austin. I Am A Version Of Myself I Think You’ll Like. I Can Be Trusted With A Job. Please Let Me Into Your College. I Promise I Won’t Jack Off In The Living Room Again.
“Austin!” mom called breathily as she knocked on my door. “Supper!”
Mask on. Mom left as she always did before getting my response, which was actually kind of nice. I didn’t have to perform for mom; she kind of just didn’t care either way. It’s not like she wasn’t loving, but, she was… I dunno, ‘no nonsense’?
I’m glad I did put the mask on, because when I entered the kitchen, I saw two guests. “Oh, hey Will,” I said politely to the first. “I didn’t know he was coming over.”
“I left a note on the fridge,” mom pointed out.
“Literally just read what’s on the fridge,” Jess continued.
“And did we mention the fridge?” Kelsea, the second guest, chimed in. “Hi, by the way.”
“Uh, hey,” I managed as I sat down. I didn’t dislike Will, per se; he lasted longer than mom’s other boyfriends at least. I didn’t know how mom expected either Jess or myself to get a stable partner when she… well, let’s just say that when it came to flags, she was red-green colorblind. Sometimes it even fell to Jess and me to tell mom when a boyfriend of hers sucked, and Will was… well…
“So, uh, school, right?” Will awkwardly said, nodding all the while. “Man, I bet that’s tough. I mean, like, I been out of school a while, but you know, I remember it. Because I was still, y’know, in it. Like, I went to school. You know what I’m saying.”
Bowls and spoons clanged as we helped ourselves to mashed potatoes.
“So how is it? School, I mean,” Will continued.
Jess shrugged. “School’s okay,” she replied.
“Mr. Tristan got fired,” Kelsea pointed out.
“Wait, a teacher got fired??” mom interjected.
“Welcome to Hazelwood~” I sang, mostly to myself.
“Um, you think that’s funny?” Jess snapped. I just shrugged. “Mr. Tristan got caught doing-”
“Well, strictly speaking he didn’t get caught, but the evidence is pretty clear,” Kelsea interrupted, going along with her friend.
“I’m just saying, it’s kind of par for the course there,” I lamely replied.
“Yeesh,” Will reacted. “I actually went to Hazelwood – y’know, back in the day, when I was going to school. It never had that kind of reputation. Back then, I mean.”
“What evidence??” mom demanded.
Jess turned to Kelsea, and Kelsea shrugged and swallowed before speaking. “We saw text messages. I don’t know why teachers do this kind of thing and think they won’t get caught. Students talk to each other, y’know? It’s gross, but that’s some men for you.”
“Well hang on now, that’s not…” Will began. “I mean, some men, sure, obviously some men. But you can’t just say ‘all men’ like that and-”
“Um, she didn’t say ‘all men,’” Jess pointed out. Maybe it was because it was Kelsea she was defending, but I completely agreed. “Besides, if men keep doing this, then we should point out it’s a men’s problem. If boys of all kinds are going to do gross things…” And of course she darted her eyes towards me in disapproval before continuing. “Then we should call them out on it and expect men to get better.”
“No hang on, because y’see, that’s why it’s not fair,” Will argued. “Like, if I just said that black people steal more, you can’t-”
“Will-” mom exasperatedly cut in.
“No no, exactly, I’m saying you should say that’s bad, and – and I’m saying that’s just like the men thing!” Will argued back.
Kelsea’s eyes flared wider in a humorous ‘here we go’ way. “Ooh boy,” she practically sang.
“What? Am I wrong? You shouldn’t say that about black people-”
“Thank goodness you didn’t, my dude,” Kelsea chuckled back.
“Um, Will, I think the issue is that bringing that up as your first comparison-” mom tried to soothe the situation.
“Mom, is that all you’re going to say?” Jess demanded. “Was that the only thing wrong here?!”
The others began to argue amongst themselves while I discovered in real time that no matter how hard I wished, I couldn’t just will myself to death. Neat. Eventually, my eyes traveled slowly up to the table, where I discovered that Kelsea’s gaze was meeting mine, in a now-familiar ‘how’re ya holding up’ kind of look. She looked back at the three, then cleared her throat. “Hey, Austin, I think I need some help with something in the kitchen,” she told me, not that the other three noticed.
“You do? What is it?” I asked. Kelsea normally helped herself when-
Oh. Kelsea’s expression was loudly unimpressed, but sue me, I got there without me having to be told, even if it took me a sec. “Uh, yeah,” I clumsily added, getting up, grabbing my plate then pausing. I slowly put the plate down again. I looked at the three to see they were still arguing, and looked to Kelsea’s seat to see it was already empty. I cleared my throat and walked to the kitchen, knowing the others were… preoccupied.
Kelsea was leaning against the counter when I entered. “What?” I asked out of instinct.
She gave me a pitying smile with her eyebrows raised. “What?” she imitated me. “It just looked like you wanted an out, my guy. It looked like a Shakespearian tragedy was playing out on your face.”
I touched my face out of instinct – yup, still there. “Nah, I’m good. I’ll be real, it was just because Jess mentio- um, Jess… was being… I mean, look, I know she’s your friend-”
“She’s my friend, but she’s not me,” Kelsea cut me off. “Yeah, she keeps grilling ya pretty hard. For what it’s worth, I’m planning on telling her to can it.”
“Oh, really?” I walked over to the wall and leaned against it, trying to look half as cool as she did. “Um, thanks.”
“Like, it’s not even that embarrassing,” Kelsea went on, looking up at the ceiling. I couldn’t help but stare at her big brown playful eyes. “Big whoop, I know a bit more about you now. Besides, everyone does it at our age, so I mean…”
“Um-” I felt myself blush, and had to look away. Okay, she had nice intentions and all, but bringing it up over and over was actually kind of doing more harm than good at this point. “Hey, could you maybe st-”
“I dunno,” she cut me off again, effortlessly this time, sighing to herself. “I mean, you know I’m your friend too, right? Y’know, I’m obviously her friend friend, but I’m still like a here-for-you friend for you too, right?” She looked back at me. Her face didn’t even change, despite seeing my blush.
Which of course made it deepen. “I mean, sure,” I replied, weirdly nervous. I looked down at the floor instead of into her eyes. “Well, kinda, if I’m being perfectly honest. I mean, of course I like your opinions and advice and stuff, and it’s great seeing you around, but you know, we’ve never actually hung out or anything, like, um, just us. I just see you with Jess. And uh, speaking of, could you maybe please stop mentio-”
“Haven’t we?” she asked with a weirdly earnest tone.
I paused, finally finding the strength to look at her face. A genuine look of surprise met me. God, her face was so cute and yet so… ugh. “Well, yeah, right? You’re always here because she’s here.”
“…Huh.” She paused in turn. “Yeah, guess you’re right. What’re you doing after school tomorrow?”
“…Tomorrow’s Saturday,” I reminded her.
She smiled, and reached behind her to adjust her golden ponytail. It fell down her shoulders in a playful bounce. “Ha, in that case, gimme until after eleven; ya gurl likes sleeping in on Saturdays. Got any plans tomorrow?”
I never did. “Um, no?”
“Cool. Want me to bring my laptop over and we can Scape it up?” Her smile didn’t wane at all. “I haven’t played in a while, but we-”
“I dunno-”
“-can try it out. Plus, it’ll be nice to just hang out and talk, you know?”
God dammit, I couldn’t even interrupt her back. She just kept talking like it was nothing. She wasn’t even being rude – Kelsea just went for whatever she wanted. I hated how much I liked that about her, but then again, I knew I was crushing hard enough that anything she did just made me like that thing, even if I hated it beforehand.
“What’s the verdict, Colombo?” she pressed me, her arms folding, her smile now turning confident.
I was going to learn how to splice genes just so I could figure out what in my body caused me to blush this much so I could kill it. “Um, s-sure,” I managed.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” she gleefully rejoiced, holding up a hand. “Up top.”
Oh wow. Oh no. There was no way I could do this smoothly. I tried my best to be discreet as I wiped my hand along the side of my pants before returning the high five. I didn’t like how unsmoothly my hand slid along my side, and I didn’t like the high-five that occurred afterwards. Even Kelsea cracked a cheeky smile.
“You nervous there, bud?” she… was she teasing me about it? She was smiling like it was our joke to share, so I guess… “I mean, I’ve been there. The amount of times I’ve given, like, the world’s wettest high fives… but it’s only ever been when I’m nervous and stuff.”
As we quieted down, we realized the voices in the dining room had died down too. I guess Will and the women came to some kind of understanding. “I’m good. Sorry,” I nearly whispered.
“Hey, all good. I was kidding anyway,” she reassured me, her hand swiping the air across her face as if to dash my worries away. “Welp, I’m gonna get back in the fray, but hey, I’m excited to hang out tomorrow.” She smiled at me, then, without even bothering to wait for a reply, walked back into the dining room.
Woof. No wonder no one bothered to just ask out their crushes. That absolutely sucked rocks, and she asked me, and it was to hang out as friends. Then again, not a lot of people would get lucky enough to have their unrequited crushes even see them again after catching them whacking off, but hey. I leaned against the wall again, knowing I’d need another minute before going into the dining room. At the very least, I needed my erection to die down. Down, boy. Play dead. You wouldn’t be getting any treats anytime soon.
***
“She didn’t tell me about any of this. She’s hanging out with you? That’s just… weird!” Jess argued.
I wasn’t even bothering to argue back. I would have loved to say, ‘then take it up with her, because she offered,’ but all I did was shrug back.
Of course, Jess just took that poorly too. “Did you… guilt-trip her?” she accused.
“No!” I bellowed, the dam breaking.. “Just leave me alone, Jess!”
“Then why are you getting so defensive when I’m asking you simple questions?” Jess inquired snidely.
Yeah, why did the Jews get so defensive when the Nazis asked them simple questions, huh Jess? Despite owning her in my mind’s argument, I just shrugged emphatically, knowing that if I brought up that point, Jess would somehow see it as a “dumb argument” or “taking it too far” or something.
“Okay, so, when she gets here, I’m going to want to talk to her first, and if you did anything weird, I am going to find out, Austin,” Jess continued to argue, talking more to herself at this point than me. All I could do in response was shrug yet again, then leave for my room. Jess called something out after me, but I didn’t bother to listen. It wasn’t like whatever I could say to her was even making it between her ears anyway.
Keslea was going to be here in around twenty minutes, and I knew it meant literally nothing apart from, like, pity, but still, my heart was pounding away. A girl. Wanted. To hang out. With me. She even asked to hang out with me. Who cares if she just saw me as some pathetic puppydog loser? I got to go on walkies, and that was a win when your owner just keeps you in the house all day anyway. Was the owner my sister, my mom, or society in this metaphor…? Enh, who cares? It was my metaphor.
When the doorbell rang, my heart leapt out of my chest. Kelsea. Kelsea was here. Kelsea Kelsea Kelsea. Even her name caused my heart to race. Even still, I remained where I was – there was no way in hell I was going to beat Jess to the door, and after that, the Gestapo had some qvestions for ze pehson hahbohing enemies of ze state. Sure enough, I heard the muffled voices of Jess and Kelsea echoing down the hall. I pressed my ear against the door but couldn’t hear anything, and so, in my wisest and most calculated moves ever, I opened the door and stuck my head into the hallway with my eyes still closed.
“Jess, it’s literally fine,” Kelsea chuckled annoyedly. “If anything I pressured him.”
“But, like, why? Literally why would you want to-”
“Okay, Jess, look.” Kelsea’s tone changed into something I’d never heard from her before. “I want to, because, I want to. Got it? If I want to be his friend, and you’re telling me that’s going to impact our friendship, you have to tell me now. But until then, maybe acting like anyone wanting to hang out with your brother is inherently gross and weird is kinda, sorta, really fucking rude to him. We’ll still see each other after church tomorrow, so it’s not like he’s replacing you. We’re still best friends. I just think he’s cool too. Is that going to be a problem for us?”
I wasn’t the only one surprised by her words. A big pause met my ears before Kelsea spoke again. “I’m gonna go hang out with him now, okay?”
“Okay,” Jess replied in this defensive tone, as if Kelsea was the one crossing a line. I didn’t hear any more voices for a bit, before cluing in why. My eyes shot open and I quickly shut the door, then sat down at my computer nonchalantly.
When Kelsea knocked on my door, I calmly turned to the door. “Come in.”
The door opened immediately and Kelsea walked in. “Heya,” she called out, her mischievous smile already forming.
“Hey Kelsea,” I replied. Fuck, she even smelled good today, and she was going to remain in the room with me for… who knows how long.
“Lemme start off by saying that you need to learn to slam your door a little quieter,” she laughed. “You got the desk, so is it cool if I sit on the bed?”
Sure enough, we were seconds in and my blush was already making a grand entrance. “Uh…”
Kelsea giggled. “It’s cool, dude. I got three younger siblings, remember. I’m nosy as fuck too.” She laid down above the covers on my bed and started to take out her laptop. “Plus, man… like, I like Jess and all, but you don’t deserve that.”
“Don’t deserve what?”
“To feel like anyone hanging out with you is either taking pity on you or guilted into doing it. I’m hanging out with you because you’re fun to hang out with. And I’m saying that because I have this funny lil’ feeling that you believe me just as little as Jess does.” She was looking at me pretty seriously.
I swallowed. “I guess the timing is just weird,” I admitted. “You suddenly message me for the first time, you suddenly want to hang out for the first time, r-”
As I talked, Kelsea’s eyes narrowed and a determined smile formed on her face, as if she was being challenged. All of a sudden, she stood up and walked over to me, making me stop mid-sentence. “Okay then,” she told me in a whisper, now only a few feet away from me. “Hey Austin, I’m sorry I never asked you to hang out earlier. If I’m being completely honest, I never knew how to ask you before without it being weird. So if it’s weird now, we can at least breathe easy knowing it was always going to be weird.” Her smile didn’t wane but something in her eyes changed. “Happy?”
Fuck. Why, in the shitting fuck, was I hard right now?? I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Kelsea’s serious face, so I just had to pray my tent was not obvious. “Okay, s-sorry-”
“Nope. No sorry,” Kelsea nearly commanded. “Just please believe me when I say I’ve wanted to hang out with you for a while.”
Yeah, the tent was definitely some kind of obvious.
Kelsea turned around and headed for the bed again. “It’s like you’re my little brother too,” she began. I couldn’t help but hang my head. Holy fuck, I was hard for someone comparing me to their sibling. Fucking oof. “Except you’re this little brother that thinks his big sister is too cool for him.”
“I already have a sister that thinks that,” I told her, finally injecting some force into my voice. “I don’t want to think of you as a sister.” Ooh, okay. Not good. Um… “I want to think of you as a friend.”
Kelsea smiled. “Cool. I like that,” she told me simply, and opened her laptop. “So what should we do first?”
***
It’s crazy how several hours can feel like a few minutes when you’re actually doing something you like. Credit to Kelsea, she was fun to game and yap with. We started small, figuring, ‘hey, we’re playing Runescape together, may as well do the Shield of Arrav quest.’ From there, we started mining together, and then just ended up doing whatever, and weirdly… I just kept talking.
“But then if you hit examine on this squirrel, it says – yup, it says, ‘shave the tail and you’ve got a rat,’” I noted.
Kelsea laughed. “Okay, you got me, I never noticed that one,” she admitted. “If you were a squirrel, how much money would it take for you to shave your tail?”
“What the fuck even is that question?” I asked, and immediately internally cringed. “Sorry, that came out way stronger than-”
Kelsea was already laughing. “What the fuck kinda question is that?” she imitated me between laughs. I turned pink and sheepishly laughed alongside her. “What the fuuuck?” she continued.
“I mean, plus, what good would money even do me? I’m a squirrel!” I protested.
“Aww,” Kelsea replied in this faux cutesy way. “Okay then squirrel, how about for a year’s supply of nuts?”
“Are you getting me to roleplay as a squirrel?” I asked.
“I dunno, is it working?” Kelsea humorously shot back. “Year’s supply of nuts. Yay or nay?”
“I like my tail. In this hypothetical. No nuts for me,” I declared. I felt kinda stupid saying these things, but Kelsea… just kept laughing. It was weird. She was clearly laughing with me, not at me. I… I straight-up never experienced it before. It was… nice.
This whole thing felt really nice, but it also felt… really intimidating. Like if I said one wrong thing, this whole thing could come crumbling down. Or if I played my cards right, Kelsea would… swoon for me. Both felt equally possible, and equally terrifying. It didn’t help that I could still smell whatever perfume she was wearing, and that I was hard more often than I wasn’t for practically our entire play session.
“Ooookay squirrel, I think that’s my limit for today,” Kelsea announced after a stint of silence. I saw the notification of her character logging out.
“Is that just my new nickname now?” I asked, my tone reflecting how amused I wasn’t with her decision.
She giggled. “Better earn a new one if you don’t like it,” she teased me, closing her laptop. “This was fun! I don’t really get to game anymore. I never find, like, a reason to do it.”
“If I’m a squirrel, you’re a rat,” I said out of nowhere.
Kelsea chuckled and rolled with it. “Hey, I never said I’d shave my tail for the money. Or the nuts. As tempting as they are,” she joked.
Fuck me and my dirty mind. I really didn’t have to like hearing her say that, so it was just totally fun that my brain decided then and there that I was going to replay her saying that in my mind once she left.
“Uh, anyway…” she continued, packing her bag. “Thanks for hanging out! I had a good time.”
“Yeah, uh, me too,” I replied shakily. I was going to have to stand up, wasn’t I?
Sure enough, Kelsea got up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. Luckily, her eyes flickered to the screen and saw I hadn’t logged out yet. She slightly smiled. “Are you gonna keep playing?” she asked. “I wish I had that kind of Gamer Stamina. I can find my way out if you wanna lock in. Should probably say goodbye to Jess anyhow.”
Saved. I wasn’t gonna look this gift horse in the mouth. “Right-o,” I told her, turning to pretend to keep playing. “Thanks for hanging ou-”
“Don’t mention it,” Kelsea replied chipperly, opening my door. “See ya!” She shut the door behind her, and that was that.
God, I was a pathetic creature. I thought I had a serious crush on her, but actually being in a room with her for… damn, three hours… was its own kind of agony and ecstasy. And sure, her ‘little brother’ comments made it obvious she genuinely saw me as a lil’ friend she could never get with, but… it was weird. It was like that didn’t matter at all. If anything, it almost made being around her… more exciting.
My cock felt like it was going to burst through my jeans any second. Fuck it, I was weak and a few minutes had gone by. I heard the front door open and close and rolled my eyes at myself, shuffling up and undoing my jeans. I let them sit around my ankles as I succumbed to my urges and started doing the inevitable.
“The nuts… as tempting as they are.”
“The nuts… as tempting as they are.”
“The nuts… as tempting as they are.”
A sigh escaped my lips. I had tried to bring up some kind of porn, but it wasn’t doing it for me this time, so instead, I fully closed my eyes, and all of my brainpower was focused on imagining Kelsea. Sweet, sexy Kelsea, tempted by my nuts. Kelsea, on her knees in front of me, her confident smirk replaced by a submissive, eager look. Kelsea telling me how tempted she was to suck on my nuts. Kelsea telling me how bad she needed it. I started stroking faster, angling my body to keep my chair from squeaking. I knew no one was listening at my door, but especially lately, I wanted to be as stealthy as possible. This was my me time, just me and my thoughts of Kels-
Knock knock.
I froze and my eyes bolted open. Okay lads, contact. You know the trench protocols: pretend you have the headphones on, stealthily put pants back on. Slowly yet calculatedly, I pulled my pants back up, trying to zip up my zipper and redo my button before the second knock.
Sure enough, the second knock came right as I did up my button. “Is someone knocking?” I asked, feigning this unsure, annoyed voice. It always worked on mom, though it usually annoyed Jess. I wondered which of the two voices I was going to hear.
“You catch on quick, my guy,” the invisible third option greeted me. “Can I come in?”
Oh. “Uh, yeah, what’s up?” I asked. Sure enough, Kelsea confidently strode into the room, though she hesitated when she saw my face.
The pause was long enough to be uncharacteristic for her. “What’s up, did you forget something?” I asked.
“Uh… yeah,” she replied slowly, then reached down to the floor. “The cable,” she added, picking up her laptop charging cable from the floor.
I was definitely pink, even though she had no clue what I was doing right before. I swung my chair to fully face her. “Oh shit, sorry I didn’t notice.”
“You’re all good, dude,” she casually replied, rolling it up and looking at me. “Hey, so uh, did you wanna hang out again sometime? I’m free Monday after school.”
Woah. She was asking me to hang out a second time? “Hang out again?” I repeated robotically.
“Yeah, good job, you understood,” Kelsea laughed, a little weirdly flustered herself.
“Why?”
“Hey now: none of that. None of the ‘why.’ Let’s just Scape again. If it’s too weird, I can hang out with Jess for a bit too,” Kelsea answered confidently.
“Uh… sure. Yeah, I’d enjoy it. Did you come back to ask that, or…?”
Kelsea chuckled. “Nope, I just came back for the cord. I also, um, wanna make sure nothing is weird between us, and that seems to be the most surefire way to show you I’m good for it, especially after I leave,” she answered in this weird blunt way.
I looked at her, confused. “Huh?”
She leaned in slightly, as if we were sharing an in-joke. “Just trust me: don’t beat yourself up about it when you notice. I genuinely don’t give a shit,” she told me cryptically. “See ya Monday, squirrel dude,” she tossed behind her as she walked out, closing my door after her.
“New nickname, please!” I called out after her, half-humorous, half-exasperated. Why did it feel like there was something awkward going on? Did she… know I was jacking off? I guess my face was a little flushed, but I mean, I have good hygiene, I did my pants back up correctly, so maybe it was a hunch or a sixth sense or something? Whatever. I-
I turned back to my computer and my heart fucking stopped. No. Nope. Nay. Nah. Oh my God, no. Fuck me. No.
My screen was clearly showing the porn video I paused halfway into jerking it. Everything was there. The porniest part of the video, paused for my viewing pleasure, the porniest ads possible along the side, and even the porny-ass title of BLONDE SLUT TAKES IT FROM YOUNG STUD.
If being the most unlucky, awkward prick in the world was an Olympic sport, I’d have the gold medal several years running. Holy fucking christ. I held my face in my hands, unable to believe I was this much of a fuck-up.
I did not fucking deserve Kelsea. She sees that shit, especially given our recent history, and offers to hang out with me again?! It was like she needed to offer this shit just to make me feel like I wasn’t going to die of pure shame. Thank fuck I wasn’t malicious, because if I was, I’d just put on porn whenever she left just to make sure she wanted to hang out-
WOW, that was pathetic, even for me. I shook my head, remained frozen in place, then out of nowhere, snapped to exit out of my browser. In its place, my Discord chats stared me in the face. I looked over Kelsea’s chat in the corner – the mobile symbol was on.
Fuck it, I thought to myself. It couldn’t get worse anyway. I opened my chat with Kelsea and typed a message.
brb killing myself
Kelsea replied almost immediately.
LMFAO
just be glad it was me and not jess 😇
I was still blushing like hell, but Kelsea was… cool about it. She asked to hang out, she was joking with me and not at me… Holy fuck, she was cool. Why couldn’t more people be like this?? I couldn’t stop myself from typing my next message.
thank u so much for being so nice to me about it. u dont hav to be, u know
Once again, she replied immediately.
dont sweat it bud 🙂 see you monday
***
Kelsea truly was a champion of handling awkward things. When we saw each other at church, she gave me a friendly lil’ peace sign and a smile that communicated she truly didn’t give a shit about any awkward moments. Of course, Jess commanded her fuller attention, as she usually did with Kelsea on church days, but I was used to only ever seeing those lil’ peace signs from her and not hanging out with her at all, so I was on cloud nine.
If anything, Jess was the one who had to adjust. When I asked her on Sunday night how hanging out with Kelsea was, she gave me a little weirded-out expression. Can’t share, huh Jess? Maybe you should have been nicer to me. Maybe take a page from Kelsea’s book. If anything, if Jess felt I was taking Kelsea’s attention away from her, maybe I was glad I was.
School on Monday was uneventful, as it always was, but it still felt new. I never really went through a school day feeling excited for the evening’s events before, unless you count my birthday, and even those started to feel less special in high school. Mom gets a cake, I get a new video game, we play it in the living room together, then mom and Jess get to stop pretending they give a shit about video games. Well, apart from Jess with The Sims, but was that even a real game when you think about it?
“Yes the Sims is a ‘real game,’ how is it not?” Kelsea laughed.
Oh yeah, and Kelsea walked home with me after school. Like, she decided to, of her own free will, walk with me. Well, more like ‘with us,’ but-
“Seriously,” Jess added. “Saying games are ‘not actually games’ is just making people who play those games feel bad.”
“Bingo,” Kelsea agreed, and turned to me. “It’s two to one, bud. May wanna think about giving up the ship.”
I sighed. “Okay, what I meant is… like, there are harder games-”
“Oh, so games are only actual real games if they’re hard, huh?” Kelsea challenged me. “Or is it just people wanting to have their own little Gamers Club, with no girls allowed?”
Jess smiled challengingly at me. “Kelsea plays the Sims allll the time, Austin,” she informed me.
I chuckled nervously. “I’m not gonna change my stance just because Kelsea plays it too,” I rebutted. “I’m not just doing this because you’re the-”
“Damn, for a guy in the wrong, you got integrity,” Kelsea laughed. “Way to take a stance, Austin.”
“Apparently the wrong one,” I conceded. “Alright, whatever, the Sims is a real game.”
“And thus it was decreed by the Self-Appointed King of Games himself,” Kelsea reveled.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” I soothed her.
“Besides, you sometimes play the Sims too, right?” Jess added.
“Yeah, though for me it’s like, I remember it exists every half-year or so and I play nothing but Sims for like a week straight, then I forget about-”
“Yup, yup, big same,” Kelsea agreed.
“The only way to play it,” Jess also agreed. The three of us neared the house, and the tension was nowhere near the same when we entered, even though Jess knew Kelsea was going to hang out with me. “Either of you want a coke?” Jess offered as she walked into the kitchen.
“Sure,” Kelsea took the offer.
“Nah, I’m good,” I told Jess, to no one’s surprise. I may have been lame in a lot of ways, but one thing I was really proud of myself for was eating healthy. I had maybe three cokes in a year, and snacked mainly on veggies. When I was feeling snackish, I munched on a cucumber. Et cetera. It looked nerdy now, but I had a feeling my body would be thanking me when we were all in our thirties. I went to the sink and got myself some water instead.
Shortly after, we broke away, with Kelsea once again sitting on my bed and me booting up Runescape on my desk computer. Once again I was in a closed-door room with the girl of my fucking dreams, only this time she caught me wirth porn twice. And somehow, this didn’t make things weird at all. Although…
“It’s almost refreshing to see something safe-for-work on your computer screen,” Kelsea joked.
I sighed, already knowing how my traitorous skin was going to respond. “Hey, look, so, I know it’s a joke, but it always makes me feel guilty when you bring it up, so-”
“Oh c’mon dude, you know I don’t actually give a shit,” Kelsea brushed it off. “It’s either this or the squirrel jokes.”
“I never thought I’d say it, but, go ahead with the squirrel jokes then,” I laughed, and she did with me. I paused for a bit, and I don’t know what made me continue, but I did. “And I promise, in case you leave your cord again, I’ll make sure I do literally anything else once you leave this time.”
Kelsea laughed with me, as she always did. “I mean hey, whatever you do in the privacy of your own room is between you and the big man upstairs,” she told me. “I actually sometimes think about that. Like, it sometimes feels like people kinda forget how to be people around others, like, they’re only acting like other people expect them to act. Sometimes it feels like people only actually exist as people in their own bedrooms.”
I turned around to look at her. “Okay, but actually,” I agreed. “I have had the exact same thought before, like, almost verbatim.”
Kelsea peeked from around her screen. “Yeah? Scary,” she chuckled, then looked back at her screen. “So anyway, when I tell you I don’t give a shit, I mean it. Everyone jerks off, dude.”
“It’s easy for you to say when you don’t get caught doing it,” I pointed out.
“I told you, my dad-”
“Yeah, but-”
“-caught me before, trust me, I know what it feels like.”
“Yeah, but he probably didn’t catch you doing it right after hanging out for the first time,” I noted.
Kelsea was silent for a bit. “Huh,” she eventually admitted. “Okay, the rare Austin W emerges.”
“Along with it, the even rarer Kelsea L?” I offered.
Kelsea snickered. “You flatterer,” she accused playfully.
“Plus, did he catch you two weeks in a row?” I continued. It almost felt alien that I was even talking about this openly with her, but something inside me felt comfortable talking about this with Kelsea… and another part of me felt really excited.
“Uh, no, but… okay, fuck it, we’re getting into this,” Kelsea admitted, putting her laptop down beside her and sitting up. Her eyes gleamed. “So, get this. No, it wasn’t two weeks in a row, but when he did catch me, it wasn’t even something I could hide. Like, I was… uh, maybe this is weird…”
My heart was pounding. I was now fully facing her, my hands “resting in my lap” to hide my erection. As nonchalantly as I could muster, I shrugged. “I don’t give a shit.”
“Yeah? Okay, cool. I might make you regret saying that though,” she chuckled. “So, I was, uh, butt-ass naked. And I maybe kinda sorta was using a gluestick I found in my arts drawer…”
“Woah, actually?” I asked in shock, my cheeks burning.
Finally, Kelsea was blushing back. “‘Fraid so,” she admitted. “My poor dad couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the whole day. Like, we’re talking legs fully -” She bit down on her teeth to punctuate stopping herself. “Y’know what? This story is getting NC17, isn’t it? Sorry if that was, like, oversharing.”
“Nah, it was honest. I like how blunt you are,” I admitted, maybe a little too quickly.
Kelsea smirked and gave a silent chuckle. “Yeah well, now we’re even, I guess,” she replied.
“Absolutely the fuck not,” I countered. “You told me something after I gave you the go-ahead, and you caught me, twice. You still have plenty leverage over me.”
“Leverage?” Kelsea repeated in humorous shock. “That’s what I have, huh? Leverage?”
I shrugged, feeling my own confidence rising. “I said what I said. Besides, you keep bringing it up anyway-”
“I do not!”
“Literally why are we talking about it now?” I asked her.
“Um, because you were apologizing about it?” Kelsea rebutted in this sudden jokingly-not-jokingly defensive tone.
“Wrong-o,” I told her. “You were joking about it being refreshing that I had something SFW on my screen, remember?”
She was thinking.
“That’s literally how we started talking about this,” I pressed.
Still thinking.
“It was you who-”
“Yeah,” she conceded, slowly nodding. “Guess so.”
“I mean, it’s cool, I don’t, I mean, mind-”
“Wait, didn’t you just say it makes you feel guilty?” she quizzed me. Her laptop screen changed to show the Runescape login screen thanks to her inactivity.
“Talking about catching me does, but you handle it well and plus, you just talk openly about this stuff, and it’s neat. Like, I dunno, as a guy you grow up thinking girls don’t really talk about this stuff, and plus, I never really had a friend I could talk about this stuff openly with. And certainly not…” I gestured towards Jess’ room. “You know?”
“Oh yeah. No secrets there, Jess is a capital-p Prude,” Kelsea agreed. “I think she’s genuinely going to be one of those wait-for-marriage types.” A beat of silence wafted between us. “Okay, prove it.”
“Prove what?”
“How often do you jack off?”
“What?!” I asked in shock. “Why?”
“Didn’t you just say you liked how blunt I was and wish you had a friend that would talk about this stuff?” Kelsea challenged me, a smile growing on her face. “Unless you’d rather we go back to Runescape. I’m cool.”
“I, uh… okay, w-we can keep talking about this,” I conceded, and Kelsea’s smile grew. “Um, like, maybe… twice a day if I’m being honest?”
“Actually? Yo, same,” Kelsea freely admitted. “And I don’t have the luxury of doing it at a computer. For whatever reason my family wants bedroom doors to always be open.”
“Really?” I asked, intrigued. “Why?”
“Search me,” Kelsea tossed out. Would if I fuckin’ could. The way her big playful brown eyes danced at the slightly taboo topic, the way her body shifted around… was she like me? Was she getting turned on by this? “Either way, for me it’s always gotta be in the bathroom, with my phone, dead quiet.”
“I know the struggle there,” I admitted. “I gotta be super quiet, otherwise…” I pointed again towards Jess’ room.
“Yeah, I can only imagine,” Kelsea laughed. “At least the screen is bigger and the chair is comfier.”
“I’m kinda surprised you need a screen at all,” I continued. “I mean, I always thought girls didn’t need porn. They just use their imaginations.”
“Yeah, you say that with your ‘blonde takes it’ video the other day,” Kelsea laughed.
“Hey! For your information, I started with the video, and then I chose to close my eyes and go with my imagination instead!” I protested. “That’s actually why I forgot to close the tab when you came in.”
“Ooh, actually?” Kelsea asked, not skipping a beat. “What do you like to imagine when you let your mind work for you?”
My words caught in my throat. I turned pink, then red. “I-” I managed. Fuck. Say something. “Ah-” Fuck it, just lie if need be, but say fucking something. “Um-“
Kelsea let the silence hang in the air, then her eyebrows came down. “Too personal? All good,” she recovered for me. “Just tell me to back off if you need.”
“Um, uh, no – just – yeah, maybe too personal. For now. I can, um, tell you later,” I attempted to recover.
“Either way, uhhhhh dude: yes girls look at porn,” Kelsea continued naturally. “Sure, I use my imagination sometimes too, but y’know… I’m a visual creature, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Hot. “Wow.” I paused for a bit, my throbbing erection and newfound freedom giving me confidence I never knew I had. “So what do you imagine then? Let’s turn this around on-”
“DILFs,” she answered without skipping a beat. “If it’s honesty time, DILFs. At least, it’s DILFs right now. I kinda jump from thing to thing. Whatever I find hot that week, y’know?”
“Wow, older guys?” I asked. “Do you ever… like, your teachers-”
Kelsea laughed. “Not at Hazelwood. Those fuckers would actually take advantage of it,” she replied. “It’s a porn fantasy, not a crush thing. There’s something about an older guy, you know?”
Weirdly, that hurt more than her calling me her little brother. Maybe it was just the confirmation that she wasn’t into guys like me, and maybe it was because we started talking about this only for me to receive evidence it was not in fact because she was drooling over me the whole time. Even still, she was looking at me, and my mind was working on its own. “I totally get that,” I admitted. “Like, I’m straight, but I think that older women are just-”
“Yes, thank you, MILFs! MILFs are so good,” Kelsea cut in. “Like, if we’re all cool here, I got a touch of the old bi-curiosity to me, and it’s not often, but sometimes I just get MILF fever and there’s only one cure for it, you know?” she gushed.
“I mean, I wouldn’t go so far as MILFs,” I admitted.
“Oh, really? Well, I just showed my ass,” Kelsea laughed. “Wait, so what did you mean then?”
“Oh, like, if a girl is older, but like… not that… older…” Ah. Open mouth, insert foot. Suddenly, I couldn’t look her in the eye anymore, or form words. Ooh boy, I needed a superhero-level miracle to save me from this one. When suddenly…
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Kelsea’s Ability to Swiftly Recover For My Fuck-Ups! “Ohh, like when the girl is in command? Like, juuust older enough to know what she’s doing?” I managed to nod, still not looking at her. There was no way she didn’t know by now, and here she was, innocently chuckling, still acting like we were in on the joke. “Yuuup, I totally get that. I think I found out I was bi-curious in ninth grade, in fact. Like, there was this absolute smokeshow in twelfth grade, and honestly, if she asked me out, I probably would have gotten weird and told her no, but that didn’t mean ya gurl couldn’t daydream and shit. It’s weird… she used to be all I could think about. Now it’s probably been like a full year since I thought about her.” She paused, waited until my eyes met hers, and shrugged. “Life is funny that way. But yeah, a slightly older girl in total control is just… chef’s kiss. I totally get ya there.”
Another beat of silence passed between us, and Kelsea’s smile once again grew. “Y’know, it’s pretty cool to see you open up like this,” she admitted. “And once again, you got nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like I know more about you than, like… anyone else.”
I shrugged, feeling myself going nonverbal or some shit.
“And yet, here I am, not running out or slamming your door or whatever,” she continued. “It’s cool, right?”
“It’s, uh, fun, yeah,” I admitted.
“Fun,” she repeated, beaming. Quickly, her face turned serious. “That said, uh, if I’m keeping things a hundred with you, this is probably something we should keep to ourselves, you know? Like, I’m sure you weren’t gonna, but if Jess found out we were talking like this…”
I physically recoiled. “Oh my god, definitely not. Why would I talk to her about this stuff? And I would never tell her your secrets.”
Kelsea beamed again. “Nice, I like that,” she replied. “Our secret. I mean, I’m having fun talking about this, so y’know, go with the flow, right? But that also means no telling other friends. Like, obviously what we’re doing is totally fine, but you know how other people can be, right? They’ll find some way to make it weird.”
“Totally, yeah,” I agreed readily. “S-so… like, would you prefer this to have just been a spur-of-the-momen-”
“Nah, I’m an open book,” Kelsea casually told me with a wave of her hand. “At least, with you. I, uh, don’t get to talk about this all that much myself, and it’s… well, like you said, fun, right?”
“Yeah,” I admitted breathlessly.
Kelsea stared at me for a bit, the smile still on her face, then turned to look at the wall, biting her lip. “Ha, this is neat,” she said almost to herself. “But we can cap it off here, probably. Otherwise we might go too far and I might catch you a third time!”
“Or I might catch you in the bathroom with the phone,” I almost whispered, trying to make my voice sound humorous but definitely failing.
Luckily, Kelsea didn’t notice, and smirked at me again. “You’d have to open the bathroom door first, dude. That’s how I don’t get caught. Security.”
“Yeah, I’ll ask your dad,” I quipped in response.
Kelsea giggled, then picked up her laptop. “Okay, time to lock back in,” she murmured. “Wanna go mining again? We can bank some coal first. Maybe if we’re lucky you can hit level sixty and we can go to the guild later.”
I cleared my throat. Her beautiful brown eyes held nothing – no secret lust, no shame, no innuendo. She was just this cool chill older girl that liked talking about this. It sucked that she didn’t want anything more, but I wasn’t going to lie – the conversation itself was the most fucking exciting thing that ever happened to me. Maybe my Big Event turned out to fucking be getting caught jacking off. What a world.
But hey, the hottest girl I ever met wanted to talk to me about masturbating and play Runescape. I think I was already living the dream of most bedroom-bound losers (being one myself, I could say that with confidence), so maybe I needed to not look this gift horse in the mouth. Sure, I could want more, but what I already had was amazing.
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