Hellbenders

I wrote a bit of Chapter 17 today and Monday. Now that I’m among the working class and likely to permanently stay there (as opposed to the hoity-toity atmosphere of college), I now have days off. It doesn’t take a genius to notice that one of those days is Thursdays. It feels kind of weird having a job as opposed to working towards an education. When I was in college, I believed (or perhaps was deluded into believing) that I was working upwards, that I was climbing a mountain that had a goal to achieve on the other side. Now that I’m just working retail, I feel like I’m… just existing. That worries me a little. I want to make an impact on the world. The idea of just existing terrifies me.

Tweed (the pseudonym of my creative partner) has had to listen to a lot of crap from me. I’ve been complaining a lot ever since I’ve been given the boot out of college. It’s a little weird that a low-brow video game streamer will have a degree but a writer will not, but then again maybe it’s fitting. I don’t necessarily need a degree to succeed. At this point, writing aside, I’m basically waiting for him to finish university then we move together. It’s no secret that I’m from Ontario, so it’s not too revealing to say we’ve been eyeing Toronto. Of course by the time that even becomes an option, we’ll have already spent a year and a half working together. The aforementioned joint Patreon will by then be old news (and most likely shut down).

It would be nice to be paid to write. At the same time it seems wrong to charge people for stories since I’ve charged nothing since the beginning. Patreon seems to solve that problem, and I’m all too happy to offer content to people for free as long as I can support myself. If the Patreon takes off though, or hell, if Tweed gets popular on his own, there’s so many other roads opened to us. Non-erotic stories on top of my own, video making (a creative process, not pornography), etc. Ultimately I don’t really write for people to get off as much as for people to get in touch with my characters. I’m sure I don’t need to say that sex is a very intimate act. While writing Being More Social’s chapter 17, I’m also fleshing out a story heavily inspired by my own experiences involving someone I helped through math class in grade 12. I’m excited to write it. I don’t really want to say this out loud, but I can’t remember the last time I was excited to write something.

For those who are really into Youtube and Youtube animators specifically, the best way I can explain my situation involving my own interest levels is with OneyNG, the animator behind some silly skits called ‘Leo & Satan’ and ‘Hellbenders.’ Tweed showed me a podcast he was involved with a few weeks ago, and in one of the podcasts, OneyNG talked about animating and how he felt like he was at the end of his rope with animating, like he wasn’t enjoying it anymore. I think we all feel like that from time to time, especially when we’ve been working on something for years. It’s partially why I’m so slow to write things. To those who e-mail me wishing me well and encouraging me not to rush things, you’re incredibly sweet, but there’s a line between ‘not rushing’ and ‘delaying because I really don’t want to.’ I don’t want to sound like I don’t want to write, I just don’t really want to write Being More Social more often than not, but the obligation to finish it stops me from starting other stories. Thus, no writing gets done.

I went against this at one point when I started The Good, the Bad and the Molly, but as it turns out, having two stories on the go was somehow even more stupid of me. It just doubled my problem. At this point, even if I write two stories at once, I’ll only publish one. My goal is to have something other than blogs finished every month. For those of you keeping track, that means finishing the next chapter within the next two weeks. And you know what? I’ve dawdled enough anyway. Regardless of how I feel about it, I started BMS and deserve to finish it for you all. My delayed chapters have already spurred enough consequences – even though I get the occasional email (and I love all of them), my AFF forum page is about as dead as they come. I kinda stopped my own community from happening. Oh well. Live and learn, right? I started doing this to see if I could make a second chance for myself. There’s always a possibility of a ‘no.’ That said, this really doesn’t stop at BMS. After that I resume the Good, the Bad and the Molly, then make the new story. There’s also a sequel to BMS in there somewhere. No clue what order that’s going to come in though. Time budgeting is a thing. Speaking of, I should quit rambling and actually get some storytelling done. If you’re reading this, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate you all.

3 thoughts on “Hellbenders

  1. I’m an old fart now, but my story is a semi-autobiographical account of myself at your age (the character is very me, but his experiences are fictional, or drawn from a wide set of anecdotes over a long period.)

    My parents divorced, I nearly flunked out of college, never had a girlfriend and had a terrible relationship with my father. I flipped burgers and mopped floors to keep from getting kicked out of the house.

    I met a girl, my grades improved and I finished school, even if I was 24 by that time. A year later we were married and I left the state with $250 in my pocket to find a job. Then two kids in two years. Every time I made more money we found ways to spend more.

    There is a happy ending. It seems that every year things got a little better, then even more better. Now I’m in my 50’s and have grandchildren, but I’m successful and respected (even if I secretly write naughty stories in my spare time) and making lots of money. I’m still learning new things that I’m using to do the stuff I always loved best as a side job which may someday soon, if it keeps growing, be my only job.

    Always keep a long view, down the road. Try to ignore the bumps. That’s helped me stay married as well. So do retail now while you hone your skills, even if it’s out of school. Maybe someday you’ll have a chance to go back – but never stop learning and growing, even after you have grandchildren.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I left this long heart felt reply to give you much needed encouragement – and when I clicked ‘Post Comment’ it disappeared! I sure hope it was sent to you for approval before posting, I hate having to do things twice.

    Like

Leave a Reply to bashfulscrib Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s