A Whole Month

I can sometimes be a sensitive person, and in particular, when things in my “real life” get hard, a lot of my walls come down. I just want to say upfront that this week’s topic is largely a complaint that likely doesn’t mean all that much to me when I’m doing okay, but weighs on me at this moment.

About a week after publishing a chapter or piece to this website, I’ll distribute that chapter to a few other free erotica websites. Today I did just that, and on one particular site, a comment came in pretty quickly thereafter, maybe an hour or two after posting. It said just this.

Get ready to wait a whole month for the next chapter everyone

Given my situation, this sentiment is common from commenters. I do take longer than people that either do erotica as their full-time job or have more free time on their hands; it’s a reality of what I do. However, this comment particularly angered me for a few reasons.

Reason number one was that it was the first response to my post. No mention of the quality of the work, the joy or agony of the characters, not even really a solid criticism of my work. It’s the equivalent of a shy kid finally leaving their room to hang out with the family during a family gathering, only to have the family members laugh and say, “Wow, look who’s out of their room? I wonder how long it’ll take oyu to disappear again.”

You know what that makes the kid want to do? Go back into their room and never come back out, that’s what. This was the most upset I had gotten at a comment in a long time, and to be frank, that was the closest I’d come to doing anything about a piece of criticism like that. In that moment, I had a strong urge to pull Mutual Benefits entirely from that website entirely and just keep it here and on the other websites. I don’t care too much for the entitled “I’m writing this FOR FREE” argument a lot of writers give, but… at a certain point the “you take too long” complaining just reeks of reader entitlement.

This feeds into the second reason this particuarly irked me. I posted my last chapter to that website a little late, so in terms of that website in particular, there was a 13-day gap in between the two chapters posted. That’s literrally less than half a month. To my own dismay, in that moment, I had a kind of moment of despair. A moment of, “It doesn’t matter how frequently I post chapters anymore. People will always be upset with me. It’ll always be ‘a whole month’ even if it’s less than two weeks. I’m never good enough.”

I love writing these stories, I love posting them for free so that even the poorest among us can enjoy stories, that’s what art should be. I even enjoy receiving feedback, like on my editing skills (which need work), on my pacing (which I think/hope has improved over the course of the story) and on anything that needs improvement. But, in this moment (and I have to stress, to my currently-already-upset brain) this is just entitled whining designed to deflate me, and it’s doing it’s job well. I feel zero motivation to write right now, because the only feedback I got from people not on this website have been, “wow, I’m so happy I’ll be waiting a whole month to get the next chapter out.”

I set time aside today after this blog post fully to dedicate to write chapter twenty. I have no idea if I’m going to do that now, because from searching for jobs and doing odd gigs to keep myself afloat, I’m emotionally barely holding on. My primary release of happiness is in writing. When that turns into a demanded obligation where I’m never good enough, that just feels like work. How many of you immediately hop on your computer and do overtime for your work as soon as you’re home because you love it so much? …Exactly, same thing here. I don’t want to see my erotica as me being chained down. I want to see it as me being set free. That will also be the best way to get me to write more frequently, in case you don’t care about these emotions of mine (fair enough) and just want me to hurry up.

Even if you want someone to change, constant negative reinforcement won’t work. Honestly, even someone commenting, “Wow, this came out earlier than usual! Thank you. I hope future chapters will be this fast too!” wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much. It’s hope instead of entitlement. Still, in this moment, I wish that one reader no access to my stories. I wouldn’t want to enact that, but I did have that jamais vu of taking the story down. Clearly, entitled whining doesn’t even get them what they want. So what did they want? To complain? To rally people to berate me for being too slow to write? I’m not sure. It makes me sad, that much I know for sure.

These comments will always exist and I need a thicker skin about it. This blog post isn’t so much “never give me this criticism” as much as “these are my emotions right now.” Again, once I’m happier this will seem like I’ve been complaining about nothing. I also don’t want to make it out like if I don’t finish chapter twenty, this one commenter is to blame. My levels of stress and financial situation will have been to blame. Paradoxically, the best way to help myself in this world is to write more so that my Patreon support is more stable and believes in me more, so I honestly don’t quite know how best to manage myself.

But hey, I’m trying. That’s all we can ask of anyone, right? Anyway, if there’s anything to take away from this, myself included, I want it to be this: if you can help it, practice gratitude more than entitlement. It’s the same for me; I get support via Patreon and commissions, and I get your time. Just because I write for free doesn’t mean I deserve any of that. I have to care about you all too. And if anyone in your life is being kind to you but slips up or does it kind of poorly, still let them know they’re appreciated. If you’re reading this, odds are you’ve let me know I’m appreciated, since the comments on this website are sometimes more kind than I deserve. I do appreciate that. And for the record, I appreciate all of you too. I’ll talk to you all next week.

6 thoughts on “A Whole Month

  1. Hang in there. And as my father once told me, try not to make what you enjoy, ie. your hobby into work because it will loose it’s appeal. I’ve been in a bit a writing slump myself, but keeping busy with editing my earlier works until new ideas flow again – JTrevor

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is sad to read that.

    There will always be people who will be disappointed, angry, negative toward you no matter what you do. If they get you down, they have reached their goal. It is easy to say, but one should not pay them more attention than they deserve. Focus on those who like you, no matter what you do, no matter if you fail somewhere, even if you feel you do no good yourself.

    Your work is good, it takes its time, you give it so much resources that is convenient for you and more. You think about characters very much, you make fine tweaks of their interactions to suit your liking. It is not like baking rolls that come every morning.

    Good writers must be sensitive enough to be sensitive to their inspiration. It brings the other side, being sometimes too sensitive to the feedback. You are good enough to be bothered by that and you are good enough for people to be willing to say and write good things for you and about you. Stick to them and look at them until you feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. P.S.: There is real possibility the author of that comment did not mean anything wrong, with intention of neutral time scheduling info. He/she did not have at the moment anything to write about the serie itself , possibly as it was done already elsewhere. If it came to mind it would be taken negatively, it would be perhaps never posted.

      I remember from my life many well intended notes, comments and statements I made toward my female friends or acquaintances. But they were taken all wrong and bad, in sense that never a priori came to my mind, otherwise I would not say them.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ever since you started MB, there have been many instances where after reading the chapter, I groaned to myself because I know I have to wait for the next month to read the next chapter. I have been tempted on many occasions to hire you for a commission piece just to write another chapter of MB so I can read MB twice in a month. (But I’m not sure if you would accept doing more MB as a commission, and whether you can fit two MB chapters in one month). I hope you don’t take this as a complaint like what you have written in this post, but rather of how much I enjoy reading your work. They are that good. (italicized and emphasis on ‘that’).

    By the way, one platform you might want to explore is Buy Me a Coffee. It works like how it sounds; people send you money like buying a coffee. Unlike Patreon, people can send a one-time donation instead of having to subscribe. The advantage over Patreon is they don’t need to subscribe to monthly subscription (auto-charge credit card is not fun for some people). There are a couple of alternatives like Ko-Fi as well. Free for creators to use and no additional fees.

    https://www.buymeacoffee.com/

    I support several erotica writers on Patreon, and sometimes when they produce an exceptionally good chapter, I do a one-time donation via these platforms as a thank-you. Great reading is hard writing and I want to try to support them however I can. But when I’m already supporting their highest-tier pledge on Patreon or when I don’t want to increase my monthly pledge but just want to send a one-off donation, Buy Me a Coffee or Ko-Fi is one way I can give extra support for the month.

    On another note, for all these weekly blog posts that you’re doing, you might want to also post them on Patreon. I have been supporting you on Patreon for awhile, but only realized you post these on your blog every week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. > On another note, for all these weekly blog posts that you’re doing, you might want to also post them on Patreon. I have been supporting you on Patreon for awhile, but only realized you post these on your blog every week.

      Some Lit authors also like gather their readers/supporters on Discord, publishing the Discord inviting link in their Lit user profiles. I take part, using Discord Android app) on respective “Discord servers” for Lit authors AuroraIncident and Antiproton (A Dragon Tale). The latter uses Patreon too, somehow integrated with Discord on user level. It offers various benefits like early access (up to 2 months in advance) to new story chapters or integrated bonus access to Patreon only Discord channels, featuring e.g . graphics from the story universe. (I am not his Patreon supporter yet, but considering it.)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was actually surprised that this chapter came out early before the very last days of the month lol.

    As someone who has read every single blog post you’ve ever written (I discovered the blog in 2020 while randomly googling your name, and while having too much time on my hands I just binged), it’s fascinating to see your new thoughts every year, in blog posts touching this very issue. Sometimes you regret it, sometimes you see it as a part of your identity, you’ve gotten like thousands of comments regarding this, but you still find new ways to look at it, and that’s quite interesting. This blog post was also a cool one, there’s so much to observe from the same annually repeating issue. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

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